(perhaps otherwise titled: "This Is My Infertility Talking")
So...I learned over the weekend from a mutual friend that someone I know, a good friend actually, is pregnant. Given my current state, that's not enough to throw me into a near suicidal tizzy anymore. But, let me give you the details, fellow current and former infertiles. This friend is another single mom of two (more by chance than choice); her youngest child is a teenager, who actually babysits LG on occasion. She's 44, just started dating someone this summer and, bam, unplanned pregnancy (which is how she ended up with kid #2 as well). Talk about fertile.
I'm conflicted, to say the least.
On the one hand, there's still that part of me that thinks how the fuck does a 44-year-old get pregnant without even trying when I needed to resort to donor eggs? Yes, that's the jealous, petty response.
Then there's the part of me that thinks I've known too many of my friends with PhDs throw their careers away for men/babies (that's not the pregnancy per se but her response to the pregnancy). And that pisses me off (this friend is actually a former grad student so I'll need to write her a letter of rec in another couple months). She's on the cusp of having everything she wanted, including a tenure track job in a highly competitive field, and now, well, probably not. She's brilliant when it comes to her work; she's an idiot when it comes to her life. But who am I to judge?
Then I think I'm angry that she's not planning on telling me for a good long while, but I needed to be subjected to this info via the gossip mill, because the friend who told me is also having a very hard time processing this news.
And then I'm very scared and very sad, because I know what the stats are for Down Syndrome and miscarriage at her age and, well, it's not good, as you all know. And of all the people she could talk to about this...I'm the only one who's had the experience of pg loss, dealing with a high risk pregnancy where we live, etc. She's my friend, and I want to be there for her at a time I know she's completely overwhelmed and stressed out.
And one more thing (that occurred to me a day later): when I say I'm a single mother by choice, I mean it. I mean, DE was certainly not my first choice, but dammit, both my children will know that they were wanted with every fiber of my being and a grand total of (oh my god I really don't want to do the math) maybe $70K worth of fertility treatment between them. And I've watched this friend raise two children and believe me, she's a good mom, but her daughter has to know she was the result of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. And this new baby, assuming it becomes a new baby, will know the same thing. What does that do to a family? Sigh. Believe me, I've been telling The Peanut, aka The Boy, who I think will eventually be LB on this blog, all day long you are loved. (And I'll I get in return is a quick jab to the ribs, but I think we'll work that out in counseling when he's 10 and pissed.) Sigh.
Infertility/RPL is a fucking bitch, isn't it?
The good news is that while you may have petty bitchy thoughts and feelings, you are not, in fact, a petty bitch. I'm sure you will respond w/kindness and support or whatever is needed when the occasion arises.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that.
ReplyDeleteYes, of course, I will. The only question is when...
Could you say more about why having a baby means giving up a tenure track job or throwing one's career away? I'm working on a PhD, and will go on the job market in a year--but am also hoping to get pregnant in the next few months. This doesn't seem completely idiotic to me (I'm 36; waiting till tenure is not an option!), but I'd love to hear the opinion of someone on the other side of the PhD chasm.
ReplyDelete(I came across your blog a couple weeks ago and have been returning, since it's really interesting for me to hear how you combine motherhood, pregnancy, and an academic job....)
Humane Genome, welcome!
ReplyDeleteI don't think that motherhood and tenure track jobs are by necessity incompatible; I got pregnant with my daughter the second year on the tenure track, and it all went fine. I started trying for #2 well before tenure review, because I also felt like I couldn't wait.
But the *partnered* women I know, with no exception, followed their spouses, giving up their better jobs to do so (or they met their spouses after they had jobs and then had babies later in the game). There's a whole big rant I could go into, but perhaps not tonight!
The issue with this particular friend is that, from what I've heard, she's only going to apply for t-t jobs in the same state as New Baby's father, which in our field, essentially means she will in all likelihood not get a job. She's got a damn good shot at a t-t job where we live now (she's currently VAP there) and has decided not to apply. And that makes me sad, both as her friend and as a feminist academic and mother.
Thanks for replying! It's reassuring to me, since I won't have any major geographical restrictions when I go on the market.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found things to enjoy in NYC, despite the poor timing :).