I started blogging in earnest back in the fall of 2008. When I think about what my life was then, compared to what it is now, well, I'm suitably amazed. I've gone from assistant professor, fertility patient and mother of one, to associate professor and mother of two. If I never really imagined that it would take almost three years and an egg donor to get pregnant (and stay pregnant), I also did not really know what challenges life as a single mother of two would hold. I mean, I knew it would be hard. Being a parent is hard, no matter how many adult hands are at your disposal. But lately, on an almost daily basis, I find myself wishing not for a husband but, perhaps, a live-in nanny or housekeeper.
A year ago, on a weekend morning, I could sleep until 9:00 or so while LG happily watched cartoons. These days I'm lucky if Tiny Boy lets me go back to sleep after his 4:00 am nursing session. I find it hard to cook, to clean, to make phone calls, frankly, to do anything except when he miraculously stays in the crib. He can't be contained safely in the pack n play, the exersaucer, the high chair, or any other baby containing apparatus. And when he's playing on the floor, well, he needs supervision. Much more than a TV watching 8 year old can or should supply.
And here, of course, is where I must insert the disclaimer that I recognize how fortunate I am. I wouldn't trade Tiny Boy for anything, and if you don't believe me, well, you should have seen what I looked like last Sunday at midnight sobbing in the ER, clutching my diaper-less, catheterized baby to my chest.
Still, holy fuck I need a break.
*
That said, I've decided to plunk down $100 and a weekly two hours of my childcare time to take a painting class. I figure the next time I'm on sabbatical will be when Tiny Boy is at least seven (seven!!). And, really, am I going to work on the book every hour the kids are at school? I am under no obligation to do any service work this semester (although I will remain in touch with the student organization I oversee, basically because no one else will do it). Otherwise, my answer is no. There will be plenty to do when I return in the spring. I want to do something that will allow me to grow as a person, beyond mother, fertility patient, and professor.
*
I've been really lucky in many ways that Tiny Boy will be 10 months when he starts daycare. I've reached the point that I'm looking forward to the long stretches of time in which to write and read and have quiet time without kids. Still, he seems so little to be out in the world, away from me for the bulk of his waking hours. Our whole schedule (such as it is) will change come Wednesday. And has hard as it is to have to resort to Fake Walks and all kinds of insanity to get through naptime, I'll miss having time to cuddle and play with him. Those minutes are so precious and I'll need to figure out where to carve out some time in the roughly 4-5 hours (crazy!) that he'll be home and awake when I'm not getting kids dressed and fed and handling routine daily maintenance stuff. Because when the kids aren't home, I really really really need to get this book done. If I don't do it now, it's not going to happen.
*
It was a long night again, with three long nursing sessions and both of us restless. But right now dinner is finishing up (corn on the cob and baked sweet potato, to go with the crock pot barbeque chicken I made the other day) and the kids are playing a few feet away, shoving some cars around and making music. These kinds of days make up for the nights. Thank goodness.
A year ago, on a weekend morning, I could sleep until 9:00 or so while LG happily watched cartoons. These days I'm lucky if Tiny Boy lets me go back to sleep after his 4:00 am nursing session. I find it hard to cook, to clean, to make phone calls, frankly, to do anything except when he miraculously stays in the crib. He can't be contained safely in the pack n play, the exersaucer, the high chair, or any other baby containing apparatus. And when he's playing on the floor, well, he needs supervision. Much more than a TV watching 8 year old can or should supply.
And here, of course, is where I must insert the disclaimer that I recognize how fortunate I am. I wouldn't trade Tiny Boy for anything, and if you don't believe me, well, you should have seen what I looked like last Sunday at midnight sobbing in the ER, clutching my diaper-less, catheterized baby to my chest.
Still, holy fuck I need a break.
*
That said, I've decided to plunk down $100 and a weekly two hours of my childcare time to take a painting class. I figure the next time I'm on sabbatical will be when Tiny Boy is at least seven (seven!!). And, really, am I going to work on the book every hour the kids are at school? I am under no obligation to do any service work this semester (although I will remain in touch with the student organization I oversee, basically because no one else will do it). Otherwise, my answer is no. There will be plenty to do when I return in the spring. I want to do something that will allow me to grow as a person, beyond mother, fertility patient, and professor.
*
I've been really lucky in many ways that Tiny Boy will be 10 months when he starts daycare. I've reached the point that I'm looking forward to the long stretches of time in which to write and read and have quiet time without kids. Still, he seems so little to be out in the world, away from me for the bulk of his waking hours. Our whole schedule (such as it is) will change come Wednesday. And has hard as it is to have to resort to Fake Walks and all kinds of insanity to get through naptime, I'll miss having time to cuddle and play with him. Those minutes are so precious and I'll need to figure out where to carve out some time in the roughly 4-5 hours (crazy!) that he'll be home and awake when I'm not getting kids dressed and fed and handling routine daily maintenance stuff. Because when the kids aren't home, I really really really need to get this book done. If I don't do it now, it's not going to happen.
*
It was a long night again, with three long nursing sessions and both of us restless. But right now dinner is finishing up (corn on the cob and baked sweet potato, to go with the crock pot barbeque chicken I made the other day) and the kids are playing a few feet away, shoving some cars around and making music. These kinds of days make up for the nights. Thank goodness.
I have 1 kid and my husband was gone this weekend and I am beat tired. I think you are my hero. Take a pairing class, go to yoga, do whatever you want and can do to be a whole person -- you 1000% deserve it!
ReplyDeleteI think it's awesome that you are taking some time for yourself! From someone who might be considered to be in a similar boat (but really am not since I do/did not have the sleep troubles that you are having with Tiny Boy), I struggle too to get things done at home and end up eating a bowl of cereal most nights for dinner after my two have gone to bed. I can't imagine doing what we do on little sleep on a regular basis. Enjoy your class! You so deserve it.
ReplyDeleteDude...you have TWIN TODDLERS. No way I could handle that! At least I have an 8-year-old who sometimes can hold her brother for 2 minutes!
ReplyDeleteI'm coming to the realization that as single moms we NEED to have some time to ourselves, away from our children and not working - it's vital for our sanity.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it's been 10 months!
I admire your stamina and your plans. I have a live-in caregiver and still, not have enough time for myself. With two kids, 3 and 5, I don't know when there will be time for myself. But you have to take a break to keep sane. Good for you!
ReplyDelete