I am not ready to be back at work.
One of the MAJOR reasons I wanted to do DE in March was because it coincided beautifully with my spring break. Would have worked even better if I'd had transfer, as originally planned, last Tuesday instead of Friday.
I'm not ready to go fast. I'm not supposed to go fast. My body can't go fast.
I had to weigh my backpack this morning to make sure I wasn't carrying too much. It was nine pounds. Without my water and lunch. I'm not supposed to be lifting anything heavier than ten.
The Lovenox/PIO combo is literally a pain in the ass. I look like a victim of domestic violence.
I'm in a foul mood and I want to crawl back in bed with my heating pad and a book.
But at least I'm sleeping again.
Showing posts with label in the wait. Show all posts
Showing posts with label in the wait. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Purely Rhetorical (2dp5dt)
When will the compulsive use of HPTs begin?
No Ovidrel, no reason to wait. I'm going to be a crazy wreck either way.
Beta in 10 days (12dp5dt).
No Ovidrel, no reason to wait. I'm going to be a crazy wreck either way.
Beta in 10 days (12dp5dt).
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Random Bullets at 1dp5dt
- Got the call this morning that the other two blasts didn't make it to freeze. I'm disappointed but this wasn't completely unexpected. Dr. G told me most of the time 50% of embryos arrest day 3-5. I had 8 in good shape at day 3, so yesterday's 6 blasts was better than normal. At minimum, I wanted 2 to transfer and 2 to freeze, and that's what I got in the end. Her last cycle (the only other one where they didn't do a day 3 transfer) resulted in 1 tranferred and 4 frozen blasts (out of 14 fertilized eggs).
- I took a nap for the first time in my adult life yesterday. And went to bed at 9:30. Slept for 8 hours. Got up and ate. Took 1/4 dose valium and slept for another 1.5-2 hours.
- My mother's had LG out of the house most of the day, so even though I'm not technically on bed rest, I'm resting in bed. Trying to figure out how exactly I'll read another 200 pages in a prometrium/valium haze.
- I'm still weepy and sort of wishing I had enough valium to drug myself through March 23. If I'm way crazy, I might ask. Not sure when the compulsive pregnancy testing will begin. Thankfully, it's back to work on Monday.
- LG's reading homework was to read a recipe and cook something good. She made her mama some more gluten free brownies.
- Speaking of which: must feed the embryos.
Friday, March 11, 2011
My Discharge Instructions
We transferred two absolutely beautiful blasts, top grades. Absolutely no discussion of my reasons, just verification of my preference. Two slightly less beautiful blasts will be frozen later today. And two more are being allowed to grow until tomorrow and then, too, hopefully frozen.
When she was doing the ultrasound beforehand, she said oh look at your bruised little belly. I don't think it's a coincidence that she immediately followed up with what's your favorite treat?
So, in addition to all the stuff you probably know about if you've done IVF (bed rest, no heavy lifting, blah blah), I'm supposed to EAT. (Yes, that's the refrain of the week.) Lots of protein. Avocado. Something decadent (brownies with flaxseed were her personal rec). And take more valium. I guess I didn't convince her that I was zen enough on my own.
To be fair, I am fucking weepy.
But I took the right person with me. Lots of levity beforehand. And I have to say I love the fact that she said to Dr. Gorgeous, whom she's never met, you are the most glamorous doctor I have ever met. Lipstick and whole getup at 7:45 am.
She's so excited. The embryos. My uterus, she said, looked perfect. I really can't ask for much more than that, now can I?
When she was doing the ultrasound beforehand, she said oh look at your bruised little belly. I don't think it's a coincidence that she immediately followed up with what's your favorite treat?
So, in addition to all the stuff you probably know about if you've done IVF (bed rest, no heavy lifting, blah blah), I'm supposed to EAT. (Yes, that's the refrain of the week.) Lots of protein. Avocado. Something decadent (brownies with flaxseed were her personal rec). And take more valium. I guess I didn't convince her that I was zen enough on my own.
To be fair, I am fucking weepy.
But I took the right person with me. Lots of levity beforehand. And I have to say I love the fact that she said to Dr. Gorgeous, whom she's never met, you are the most glamorous doctor I have ever met. Lipstick and whole getup at 7:45 am.
She's so excited. The embryos. My uterus, she said, looked perfect. I really can't ask for much more than that, now can I?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
No News Is Good News Is
Well, considering Dr. Gorgeous told me if it didn't look like we'd have many blasts on Friday, I'd get a call on Wednesday morning for a day 3 transfer, I'm assuming no news is good news is regular update in the afternoon.
Still, if I haven't heard anything by the time I go into yoga class in an hour, I'm calling the receptionist and asking to talk to whoever is available to talk to me. Because, really, the waiting is making me nutty.
But no news is good news is hopefully plenty of blasts on Friday.
*
In other news: I feel like crap, my hips hurt like hell, but I was only awake for about 1.5 hours in the middle of the night, which is much better than not sleeping at all.
Now I have more fat and protein to consume. I'll update with the update later.
*
And the update: after another freakout of epic proportions, Dr. G called me personally to say (a) a nurse should have called me as soon as the embryology report came in (and she'd deal with that), (b) 8 embryos are "beautiful" (at 6 cell or above, zero fragmentation), (c) she's hoping for 6 blasts and would like to do eSET, and (d) I need to find the zen spot in my head.
I told her if I had to choose today, I'd want to transfer 2, but I'm open to discussing it on Friday, when we see what the actual numbers are. Because here's what I'm thinking:
1. If we transfer two and it doesn't work, I'll be devastated.
2. If we transfer one and it doesn't work, I won't be able to live with that choice.
3. If we transfer two and I actually get pregnant with twins and actually don't miscarry, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Two years ago, I would have said eSET with absolutely no qualms. I'm not that woman anymore. This has to work.
Still, if I haven't heard anything by the time I go into yoga class in an hour, I'm calling the receptionist and asking to talk to whoever is available to talk to me. Because, really, the waiting is making me nutty.
But no news is good news is hopefully plenty of blasts on Friday.
*
In other news: I feel like crap, my hips hurt like hell, but I was only awake for about 1.5 hours in the middle of the night, which is much better than not sleeping at all.
Now I have more fat and protein to consume. I'll update with the update later.
*
And the update: after another freakout of epic proportions, Dr. G called me personally to say (a) a nurse should have called me as soon as the embryology report came in (and she'd deal with that), (b) 8 embryos are "beautiful" (at 6 cell or above, zero fragmentation), (c) she's hoping for 6 blasts and would like to do eSET, and (d) I need to find the zen spot in my head.
I told her if I had to choose today, I'd want to transfer 2, but I'm open to discussing it on Friday, when we see what the actual numbers are. Because here's what I'm thinking:
1. If we transfer two and it doesn't work, I'll be devastated.
2. If we transfer one and it doesn't work, I won't be able to live with that choice.
3. If we transfer two and I actually get pregnant with twins and actually don't miscarry, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Two years ago, I would have said eSET with absolutely no qualms. I'm not that woman anymore. This has to work.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Taking Care of Myself
Yesterday was, well, not good. Given that my usually lower-than-normal blood pressure zooms to overly high after an hour wait at Dr. G's office, I can't even begin to imagine what it was like yesterday. And that's just the beginning.
Although I have a bunch of work to do, it IS my spring break, and LG's in school (except, of course, Friday, which is likely transfer day), so I've built in as much rest and self-care as possible. Lunch with a friend today, therapy on Tuesday, yoga and chiropractic on Wednesday, massage on Thursday (assuming, of course, it is a Friday transfer). I'm planning on getting a stack of funny movies that I know I like (Being John Malkovich, Stranger Than Fiction, etc).
I will, as instructed by my doctor, up my intake of protein, omega 3s, and water. I will come off the ambien. I will start eating pineapple. I will drink mother's tea instead of my neighbor's special cocktail. I will, as much as I can, try to keep myself calm (though she'd like me not to do yoga for a minimum of three days after transfer). Beyond that, I'm not sure what I can do.
Right now I think I'm going to throw up.
*
Update: Of the 15 eggs, 14 were mature, 12 are now dividing embryos (8/10 ICSI, 4/4 normally). I'm not over-the-moon happy with this, but it seems like a damn good result from the 13-15 follicles predicted a week ago.
Although I have a bunch of work to do, it IS my spring break, and LG's in school (except, of course, Friday, which is likely transfer day), so I've built in as much rest and self-care as possible. Lunch with a friend today, therapy on Tuesday, yoga and chiropractic on Wednesday, massage on Thursday (assuming, of course, it is a Friday transfer). I'm planning on getting a stack of funny movies that I know I like (Being John Malkovich, Stranger Than Fiction, etc).
I will, as instructed by my doctor, up my intake of protein, omega 3s, and water. I will come off the ambien. I will start eating pineapple. I will drink mother's tea instead of my neighbor's special cocktail. I will, as much as I can, try to keep myself calm (though she'd like me not to do yoga for a minimum of three days after transfer). Beyond that, I'm not sure what I can do.
Right now I think I'm going to throw up.
*
Update: Of the 15 eggs, 14 were mature, 12 are now dividing embryos (8/10 ICSI, 4/4 normally). I'm not over-the-moon happy with this, but it seems like a damn good result from the 13-15 follicles predicted a week ago.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Gulp
I'd forgotten just how big those PIO needles are.
And I'd forgotten (okay, not really) that she doubled my dose from the last time I did IVF.
2 cc's
That's a fucking lot of oil to inject in one's ass.
That's all.
*
Update, because I can't skip an opportunity to play my own doctor: If I'm supposed to alternate 2 cc's of PIO with 3 Prometrium, why can't I do 1 cc PIO and 2 prometrium daily? It's actually more progesterone, more evenly spaced, and would be much kinder to my rear. I will have you know I conceded to Dr. Gorgeous about ICSI: well, you and the embryologist know much more about that than I do, so whatever you think is best. Snort.
And I'd forgotten (okay, not really) that she doubled my dose from the last time I did IVF.
2 cc's
That's a fucking lot of oil to inject in one's ass.
That's all.
*
Update, because I can't skip an opportunity to play my own doctor: If I'm supposed to alternate 2 cc's of PIO with 3 Prometrium, why can't I do 1 cc PIO and 2 prometrium daily? It's actually more progesterone, more evenly spaced, and would be much kinder to my rear. I will have you know I conceded to Dr. Gorgeous about ICSI: well, you and the embryologist know much more about that than I do, so whatever you think is best. Snort.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Apparently I don't learn from my mistakes
If you are recently joining this blog, I refer you to the insanity of late August 2010, documented in the archives. If you were around then, well, yes, I did another stupid thing with an HPT. I really don't learn. Or I'm a masochist. Or something.
Against my better judgment, I tested yesterday (9dpo). And then spent the better part of three minutes squinting at that sucker in every light in my house until I convinced myself there was the faintest glimmer of a line. Then I decided I was a moron and threw the thing back in the box and went about the rest of my day. (You know where this is going, right? You should.) Of course I took it back out and looked at it well past the 10 minute window. Like, this morning. And of course it is now clear as day (but very light) positive.
We have four options:
1) I tested early and it will eventually be a real positive. This is actually what happened when I was pregnant with LG and testing with internet cheapies. (The line didn't come up within the 10 minute window even though my beta turned out to be 188 the next day.)
2) I tested early and this will eventually result in a chemical pregnancy.
3) This is the longest lasting Ovidrel in the world.
4) I'm just a moron. And this is just an evaporation line.
In the meantime, I have decided I am not ready to learn that this is #4 so I am absolutely not peeing on anything again, at least until my mother leaves which is tomorrow afternoon, which would be 11dpo, and the day before my beta.
I am a big fucking dope who has been awake since 3:30 this morning. That also might account for my nearly slicing the tip of my finger off while getting LG's bagel. Fun times at Chez Gwinne.
Against my better judgment, I tested yesterday (9dpo). And then spent the better part of three minutes squinting at that sucker in every light in my house until I convinced myself there was the faintest glimmer of a line. Then I decided I was a moron and threw the thing back in the box and went about the rest of my day. (You know where this is going, right? You should.) Of course I took it back out and looked at it well past the 10 minute window. Like, this morning. And of course it is now clear as day (but very light) positive.
We have four options:
1) I tested early and it will eventually be a real positive. This is actually what happened when I was pregnant with LG and testing with internet cheapies. (The line didn't come up within the 10 minute window even though my beta turned out to be 188 the next day.)
2) I tested early and this will eventually result in a chemical pregnancy.
3) This is the longest lasting Ovidrel in the world.
4) I'm just a moron. And this is just an evaporation line.
In the meantime, I have decided I am not ready to learn that this is #4 so I am absolutely not peeing on anything again, at least until my mother leaves which is tomorrow afternoon, which would be 11dpo, and the day before my beta.
I am a big fucking dope who has been awake since 3:30 this morning. That also might account for my nearly slicing the tip of my finger off while getting LG's bagel. Fun times at Chez Gwinne.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Denial, or Something
I have not peed on a stick.
I have no intention of peeing on a stick.
(In fact, other than the digital that came with the OPKs, I don't have a stick to pee on.)
Although I will go in for a beta tomorrow, I am thinking I will not bother turning on my phone.
Denial is a mighty fine way to live, don'tcha think?
I have no intention of peeing on a stick.
(In fact, other than the digital that came with the OPKs, I don't have a stick to pee on.)
Although I will go in for a beta tomorrow, I am thinking I will not bother turning on my phone.
Denial is a mighty fine way to live, don'tcha think?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Crabby, Crabby Day
LG and I have been in a vicious circle of crabby all day. I'm not sure what her deal is. Mine, naturally, has to do with the I-think-it-was-negative-but-maybe-there-was-something-resembling-an-imaginary-line-after-10-minutes pee stick I threw in the trash (and then took the trash bag outside, lest I be tempted) this morning. Yes, it's 9dpo here in Infertility World.
I'm sure the rain isn't helping either of our moods.
Thankfully, LG was willing to play a game of "coffee shop" this afternoon, which involved drinking tea and her writing in her composition book while I commented on crappy student essays. Which really didn't help with the crabby, but it did help me get a few things done.
Then I made some potatoes, because really I do believe in the healing powers of potatoes. They increase serotonin or something, don't they? Of course, what I really want is wine. And a good cry. And I'll be indulging in at least one of those after LG goes to bed.
I just feel hollow.
I'm sure the rain isn't helping either of our moods.
Thankfully, LG was willing to play a game of "coffee shop" this afternoon, which involved drinking tea and her writing in her composition book while I commented on crappy student essays. Which really didn't help with the crabby, but it did help me get a few things done.
Then I made some potatoes, because really I do believe in the healing powers of potatoes. They increase serotonin or something, don't they? Of course, what I really want is wine. And a good cry. And I'll be indulging in at least one of those after LG goes to bed.
I just feel hollow.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
What is it about Monday night?
I noticed late summer, during the IVF-that-wasn't debacle, I stopped being able to sleep on Monday nights. Granted, there were other nights I didn't sleep well, but Mondays were the nights I literally barely closed my eyes all night. I thought maybe that's because I take an extra DHEA pill on Mondays, but I do that on Wednesdays and Fridays without a problem. Hmmm.
I'm not particularly anxious (despite being back at work and being up for tenure and being in the wait!). But I woke last night at 2:20--from the prometrium sleep of death--and finally fell back to a skittery, barely asleep sleep when our fucking smoke detector went off at 6:15. Which I suppose would have been a welcome thing if our house were actually on fire and/or we were going to die of carbon monoxide poisoining. Neither of which seemed to be a problem.
LG came into my bed this morning and asked me for my good things (which we usually do at night). I grumbled, I'm tired, I don't have any. Of course, LG asking for my good things is a good thing, but, really, I'm not a human being without sleep.
Somehow I have still managed to scrape together an abstract for a conference that is due tomorrow. Now I have to do something resembling class prep and take two surly kitties to the vet for rabies shots. Grrrrr.
I'm not particularly anxious (despite being back at work and being up for tenure and being in the wait!). But I woke last night at 2:20--from the prometrium sleep of death--and finally fell back to a skittery, barely asleep sleep when our fucking smoke detector went off at 6:15. Which I suppose would have been a welcome thing if our house were actually on fire and/or we were going to die of carbon monoxide poisoining. Neither of which seemed to be a problem.
LG came into my bed this morning and asked me for my good things (which we usually do at night). I grumbled, I'm tired, I don't have any. Of course, LG asking for my good things is a good thing, but, really, I'm not a human being without sleep.
Somehow I have still managed to scrape together an abstract for a conference that is due tomorrow. Now I have to do something resembling class prep and take two surly kitties to the vet for rabies shots. Grrrrr.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The End of the Experiment
If I were a normal person, not a crazed fertility patient, I'm sure that I'd read the HPT I'm looking at as unquestionably, undeniably negative. Instead, I'm doing that thing--you know the thing--where you hold it up to the light and look at it sideways and anyways and convince yourself that maybe there's the hint of a line. Which I have not had to do since this experiment began. And I've never had to do when I've actually been, you know, pregnant.
I haven't decided if I'll ask Dr. Gorgeous for a beta, though I'm thinking probably not, because I don't want them to call with some outrageous number like 4, which really wouldn't do anything in terms of providing useful information or putting my mind at ease. That is, I think I'm just going to have to wait it out.
I'm not sorry I conducted this experiment, though I'm not sure I'd recommend it for others. Now I need to start thinking about that plan.
Sigh.
Update, after the consult: Dr. Gorgeous was all ready to slap a tourniquet on me until she remembered that she'd had me do 2 Ovidrel shots. She thought the chance of getting a false positive was just cruel. Oh, if she only knew what I'd been up to this week...
I haven't decided if I'll ask Dr. Gorgeous for a beta, though I'm thinking probably not, because I don't want them to call with some outrageous number like 4, which really wouldn't do anything in terms of providing useful information or putting my mind at ease. That is, I think I'm just going to have to wait it out.
I'm not sorry I conducted this experiment, though I'm not sure I'd recommend it for others. Now I need to start thinking about that plan.
Sigh.
Update, after the consult: Dr. Gorgeous was all ready to slap a tourniquet on me until she remembered that she'd had me do 2 Ovidrel shots. She thought the chance of getting a false positive was just cruel. Oh, if she only knew what I'd been up to this week...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Whole New Level of Crazy
So I told A. about the ridiculous daily HPT experiment. And she had a brilliant idea: I could just go to the student health center and request a beta. I haven't decided if that would help me or just make this situation even crazier. Probably crazier, right?
For your viewing pleasure:
For your viewing pleasure:
p.s. I fully understand that what these pictures mean is that I still have hcg in my system. It does not mean that I am the p-word. Because I'm probably not. (But, yes, I broke down and bought a test that doesn't promise that it will work by 9dpo in 68% of pregnancies. And though the picture is crappy, it too seems to be positive.)
What have I gotten myself into?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Confessions of an HPT Junkie, Part 2 (8dpo)
Well, I decided I couldn't resist the experiment. So I took another FRER both yesterday and today; both were positive, but today's was a barely-there-really-have-to-squint-to-see-it pale pink. So light that it will be unquestionably negative tomorrow, unless, perhaps, I actually am pregnant. You know that means that I absolutely cannot test tomorrow, right? Because while I have never approached any cycle as "PUPO" (which is scientifically inaccurate at best), I'm rather enjoying this hormonal limbo where I truly can't know (and even a blood test wouldn't be able to say whether it's Ovidrel-positive or real-deal-positive or a combo of both).
I've mostly been avoiding thinking about all this, but I've got that appointment with Dr. Gorgeous on Wed and need to prepare. I've been (not) thinking about why I don't want to do stimulated cycles and why I don't want to do donor egg and why I don't think I'm crazy for continuing to try, despite 2 years and an unspeakable sum of money I'd rather not think about. Mostly, I'm tired. And my throat is scratchy. And I'm running an intermittent low-grade fever. Which either means I'm pregnant or I'm getting a cold. Or maybe both.
Changes are coming to Something Remarkable. Thanks for listening.
I've mostly been avoiding thinking about all this, but I've got that appointment with Dr. Gorgeous on Wed and need to prepare. I've been (not) thinking about why I don't want to do stimulated cycles and why I don't want to do donor egg and why I don't think I'm crazy for continuing to try, despite 2 years and an unspeakable sum of money I'd rather not think about. Mostly, I'm tired. And my throat is scratchy. And I'm running an intermittent low-grade fever. Which either means I'm pregnant or I'm getting a cold. Or maybe both.
Changes are coming to Something Remarkable. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Confessions of an HPT Junkie
Oh, bloggy peeps, I did something bad. I took that FRER out of its cellophane-encased box and I peed on it. Yes, at 6dpo. And, not surprisingly given that I took 2 Ovidrel shots a mere 8 days ago, it was positive. Now I seem to be left with two choices: (1) either pee on sticks daily from now on to see if (a) the line becomes darker or (b) goes away or (2) wait until beta day to test.
Why do I get myself into these sorts of quandaries?
Why do I get myself into these sorts of quandaries?
Friday, August 20, 2010
The State of Things (5dpo)
I've got a blogotherapy post brewing, about this whole natural IUI, donor egg/embryo chat I'm supposed to have with Dr. Gorgeous next week. But I'm mostly trying to stay out of my head and just get things done.
Still tired. (Expecting the call with my P4 level in the next hour or so. [ETA: 47]) But oh my goodness glad that I don't need to take estrogen on top of progesterone this month.
I was sitting in a coffee shop yesterday and it occurred to me that I was happy. Not happy, like my life is exactly where I want it happy, but a small, contented this is a good day happy. And it occurred to me that most of my days lately have been those kinds of days. Which, all things considered, is great. That's why I'm really trying to stay out of my head.
My syllabi are done, except for those short readings for which I have multiple choices listed and I really need to just pick one and be done with it. My teaching philosophy statement is also in decent shape, considering I've got 12 days before the official deadline. I guess that leaves next week for all the phone calls related to being an adult (like, taking the car in for maintenance, getting an estimate on new windows for LG's room, having a tree ripped out of my backyard, etc.).
I'm not dreading going back to school, nor am I looking forward to it. It's just the thing that's happening that I will need to handle gracefully.
In a little bit, I'm going to go watch LG's camp performance and take her out for ice cream. And then, I'm going to rest.
Still tired. (Expecting the call with my P4 level in the next hour or so. [ETA: 47]) But oh my goodness glad that I don't need to take estrogen on top of progesterone this month.
I was sitting in a coffee shop yesterday and it occurred to me that I was happy. Not happy, like my life is exactly where I want it happy, but a small, contented this is a good day happy. And it occurred to me that most of my days lately have been those kinds of days. Which, all things considered, is great. That's why I'm really trying to stay out of my head.
My syllabi are done, except for those short readings for which I have multiple choices listed and I really need to just pick one and be done with it. My teaching philosophy statement is also in decent shape, considering I've got 12 days before the official deadline. I guess that leaves next week for all the phone calls related to being an adult (like, taking the car in for maintenance, getting an estimate on new windows for LG's room, having a tree ripped out of my backyard, etc.).
I'm not dreading going back to school, nor am I looking forward to it. It's just the thing that's happening that I will need to handle gracefully.
In a little bit, I'm going to go watch LG's camp performance and take her out for ice cream. And then, I'm going to rest.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tired
Usually by 3dpo I've got that crabby, no-way-this-worked feeling. Right now I'm just tired. Tired, like my progesterone level is going to come back at 60+ tired. Tired, like I slept almost 10 hrs last night and could have kept going if LG hadn't woken me up.
How exactly am I supposed to get any writing done? Or clean my desk or make phone calls or do any of the zillion things that need to be done before I go back to school in exactly two weeks. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
And perhaps the worst thing is that if I get what I most want I'll be feeling like this, and worse, for a long time to come... Mind you, if that happens, I won't be complaining. But I'm getting tired of being fake pregnant for two weeks of every month.
I wouldn't say I'm optimistic. But it seems possible in a way that it hasn't for a very long time.
How exactly am I supposed to get any writing done? Or clean my desk or make phone calls or do any of the zillion things that need to be done before I go back to school in exactly two weeks. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
And perhaps the worst thing is that if I get what I most want I'll be feeling like this, and worse, for a long time to come... Mind you, if that happens, I won't be complaining. But I'm getting tired of being fake pregnant for two weeks of every month.
I wouldn't say I'm optimistic. But it seems possible in a way that it hasn't for a very long time.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Hot
It's about 80 degrees outside, 82 degrees inside.
And my own personal temperature is currently 99.1. Oh, progesterone how I love thee.
I'm going to the library (for the second time today) to pick up something else to read and to cool off.
And my own personal temperature is currently 99.1. Oh, progesterone how I love thee.
I'm going to the library (for the second time today) to pick up something else to read and to cool off.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Moody, Broody
I'm not going to read much into this, as (per the blog) I seem to get in a mood a couple days after an IUI. All I can guess is that it's gradually lowering estrogen levels before the big upswing of progesterone supplementation. Whatever.
Still, I find myself in the crabby place. I might decide to skip my time off (other than the actual vacation) because at least when I'm working I can force myself to concentrate on other things than the state of my uterus. So far today I have checked blogs, read way too much about IVF protocols and poor responders, finished reading a novel, went on an aborted sandal-shopping mission (again) and picked up some groceries for a no-cook dinner tonight. There's plenty I could do (clean the house, other life stuff I put off) but I don't feel motivated to do much of anything. I don't even want to indulge in laziness and watch a movie or something.
I'm just not happy. And all the bravada I had about the IVF plan? Let's just say that's gone. The reality is IVF doesn't work for me--I have two bad cycles to prove it--so why exactly do I think it's going to be the magic cure this time around? I don't stim well. I'm 37 and have the ovaries of someone much older, and my head is so messed up right now that I've even wished I hadn't conceived LG because then I would have done an IVF my next cycle (at 30) and likely had embryos to freeze and then I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. Of course, I wouldn't have LG either, and I really wouldn't trade her for anything.
I did everything right. I didn't put off trying to get pregnant until after tenure because I knew I couldn't afford to. And here I am, anyway, still not pregnant, almost two years later.
I just don't know what to do. About this IVF or anything else.
Still, I find myself in the crabby place. I might decide to skip my time off (other than the actual vacation) because at least when I'm working I can force myself to concentrate on other things than the state of my uterus. So far today I have checked blogs, read way too much about IVF protocols and poor responders, finished reading a novel, went on an aborted sandal-shopping mission (again) and picked up some groceries for a no-cook dinner tonight. There's plenty I could do (clean the house, other life stuff I put off) but I don't feel motivated to do much of anything. I don't even want to indulge in laziness and watch a movie or something.
I'm just not happy. And all the bravada I had about the IVF plan? Let's just say that's gone. The reality is IVF doesn't work for me--I have two bad cycles to prove it--so why exactly do I think it's going to be the magic cure this time around? I don't stim well. I'm 37 and have the ovaries of someone much older, and my head is so messed up right now that I've even wished I hadn't conceived LG because then I would have done an IVF my next cycle (at 30) and likely had embryos to freeze and then I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. Of course, I wouldn't have LG either, and I really wouldn't trade her for anything.
I did everything right. I didn't put off trying to get pregnant until after tenure because I knew I couldn't afford to. And here I am, anyway, still not pregnant, almost two years later.
I just don't know what to do. About this IVF or anything else.
Monday, June 7, 2010
So Much for The Year of Grace
I've lost the zen. I wouldn't say I'm a nervous wreck, but I'm definitely off-kilter. Tenure anxiety. Reproductive anxiety. I'm only two days into this wait, and already I'm coming up with plans for Dr. Gorgeous (up my estrogen dose? halve my follistim dose?).
I'm waiting. I'm tired of waiting. This baby project has dragged on already a year longer than my worst case scenario. The tenure thing? Well, if I'd stayed at my other job I would have had it a few years ago. Now not only do I not have it, I'm not sure I'm going to get it.
I'm waiting. Where the hell is my good thing?
I'm waiting. I'm tired of waiting. This baby project has dragged on already a year longer than my worst case scenario. The tenure thing? Well, if I'd stayed at my other job I would have had it a few years ago. Now not only do I not have it, I'm not sure I'm going to get it.
I'm waiting. Where the hell is my good thing?
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