Pre-Semester, Pre-IVF, Post-M/C Freakout

Well, the title pretty much sums it up. Every time the phone rings, I freak out. Every time I check my email and there's another meeting I need to stick in my planner, I freak out. Every time I think about my IVF protocol (which I will not be able to discuss with Dr. Gorgeous until Sept 15, which is TWO DAYS before starting Ganirelix), I freak out.

I really am happy to be going back to school. And I'm hoping that I will be so extraordinarily busy that I won't have time to think. No thinking, no freaking. I'm trying to reduce all of it to a series of tasks that must be done: make photocopies, call the cryobank, read the first novel for the semester, figure out where to get a Follistim pen, read dissertation chapter, call the pharmacy, etc.

What's slowly occurring to me is that I really haven't grieved in any kind of real way. I've had sad moments, to be sure. I've had many moments of self-pity. But I don't think I've fully processed that I was pregnant this summer, much less that I lost another baby. It's right under the surface, the thing I can't talk about, whenever anyone asks about my summer.

I get through my days just fine. But the truth is, I'm sad. I'm anxious. I am anything but zen.