Tired of TTC

I'm tired. Tired, like I haven't slept well in days (which I haven't); tired, like I've just been through a miscarriage, a failed cycle, and an aborted IVF attempt (which I have); tired, like I've been trying to get pregnant and be a professor and a single mom and stay mostly sane and balanced for the past year (not so sure how successful I've been at that one). But I'm tired.

Sunday, after my chat with Dr. Gorgeous, after my IUI, while I was laying there with my legs up and the space heater on, I almost fell asleep. And when I got up, the exhaustion--the sum total of the crap of the last two and a half months, not to mention the whole year, just hit me.

I thought, first, maybe I'd be able to go from this cycle to another IVF attempt (stupidly, even thinking about seeing if I could take Estrace for suppression during the 2ww and get on the Sept schedule). But by the time I saw her, I didn't even really want to talk about The IVF That Wasn't. As much as I'd like to be pregnant NOW, I need a break. A long break. If this cycle doesn't work out (please let it work out!) I need a few months just to do my job and be LG's mom and maybe drink actual coffee with actual caffeine. This past year has really taken a toll, and I don't think I realized how much until it was Dr. G, not me, wanting to talk about the backup plan. Whenever you're ready, she said. And I'm really not sure when that will be.

I'm going into this 2ww wanting to be pregnant and petrified that it will work. Because I'm so tired of spending my life worried about my uterus and my ovaries, to the point that the rest of my life goes largely ignored. I need to pay my bills and paint my house and cook things and go back to yoga (I cried in yoga yesterday it was so good to be back to something normal). And while I wouldn't say that this is some cosmic sign that I really shouldn't be trying for a second kid, it was a much needed wake-up call about balance, more, even, then Dr. G telling me I needed to be zen. The thought of not needing to be at her office for a minimum of two weeks and, if I'm not pregnant, indefinitely, it's great.

I'm sure the usual 2ww craziness will settle in a few days from now, when it's possible to keep track of "symptoms" and such. But, other than during the cycle in which I conceived LG, which was unmedicated, after months of injectables, a cycle I entered assuming I'd be starting IVF within days and just knew could never ever work...I've never felt such resignation. I'm just so tired.