Blogo-therapy (what number are we on?)

Just taking stock of my mental state and putting a few things out there...

It was a year ago (to the day?) that Dr. Gorgeous told me I needed to be a little more zen. I was coming off a miscarriage and failed cycle and gearing up for an IVF attempt that I/we had no reason to believe wouldn't work. How wrong we both were.

It's a year later, and I feel like I've been broken so many times by this process that I can't be damaged any further. My negative last week? Just threw the sucker in the trash and went on with my life. The thing is, much as I want it, much as Dr. Gorgeous says that she thinks my persistence will pay off, I don't see myself getting pregnant. Ever. Maybe I'm not so much zen as hardened and completely resigned to failure.

And I think that's my resistance to donor eggs. I would be devastated if I tried donor egg and it didn't work. And I don't think it will. I've always been convinced that at least part of my problem is implantation related, not egg quality related. Hysteroscopy confirmed that. I've always been okay moving to the next step so long as there was a backup plan. And after donor egg? I've got nothing.

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I watched A's kids the other day. One is 4 and gets along pretty well with LG. The other is six months, the age my would-be baby would be if I hadn't miscarried. It was really hard holding him when he was a newborn (and I'm not really fond of newborns in general). But now? Wow. He's at my favorite baby age, and I just sat him on the floor and spoon fed him some squash and watched the big girls have a picnic at the coffee table. It just felt right. (Well, until I tried to put LG to bed while holding an inconsolable baby and trying to appease a restless 4-year-old with toys. But if this works out, I won't have 3 kids, and I'd be able to give my own inconsolable baby the breast to get him to shut up!) When I started this process I had some pretty serious doubts about whether I would be able to handle the stress of parenting two. I know babysitting for 3.5 hrs isn't close to the same thing, but I have to say I was pretty zen about it all.

I just don't know what else to do so I can have that. I've never felt sad about not having a partner through this process. I absolutely never wanted a husband. But right now I am so fucking jealous of every woman who stands a chance to get pregnant while she takes a cycle off from treatment. Because I really need time off. But I'm not willing to give up even a month, if there's a glimmer of hope that there's a good egg somewhere in there.

I think I'll schedule an appointment with Dr. Gorgeous for the end of August to hammer out my low-tech plan. Because I have a strong feeling I'm going to need it.