Apparently this is my 800th post

You'd think 800 posts later I'd have a kid, or at least be pregnant, or have experienced some kind of monumental life change. I guess not.

There was a moment a few days ago I felt really good. On top of things. Like the plan I'd cooked up with my therapist to not think (my new mantra) but redirect with one of the 100 million things I need to get done was actually working.

Let's just say that spending almost 3 hours at Dr. Gorgeous's office on Thursday, which was also LG's birthday, really threw me. I cried before my mock transfer. I cried when she asked me to talk about the ultrasound tech from hell. I cried when she asked me if I thought I was ready to do this. I spent the better part of 3 hours crying. And then I drove home and went to work and cried some more. She once joked that I was going to get PTSD from her consult room. I wonder how close to the truth that actually is. I was so messed up on Thursday I almost started hyperventilating in the waiting room, which was crammed, and took myself out into the hallway where I paced and freaked out and cried some more before my nurse consult.

I think it would be easy to say I'm overemotional because I'm completely hopped up on hormones. But I've spent the better part of the past 2.5 years hopped up on hormones, and I'm usually not like this. I think it would be too easy to say it's the lupron.

The truth is, the closer I get to March the more petrified I get. I think Dr. Gorgeous finally gets it; I'm not scared of DE working (she asked me point-blank if I was worried about being able to love this baby, or bond with it, or whatever [apparently she's had one patient who never bonded with her DE kid]) but scared of it not working. Because I'm out of plans. And time. And energy. And if this doesn't work, well....I can't even really imagine that. Nor can I really imagine it working, that I might actually be something resembling happy in a month or so.

I'm sad. And scared. And, really, what a fuckhead I was not to ask for valium when it was pretty much offered to me. Because let me tell you, I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the 2ww. The donor hasn't even started stims yet and I'm a wreck. All I can say is thank goodness for the nurse who decided taking me out of the office for our consult was a good idea.

~26 days until transfer.