Musings about Place

It was in the 70s here yesterday, unseasonably warm.  Tiny Boy and I were sitting on the porch (which is technically a "three-seasons" room now) with the cats, enjoying the sunshine and the breeze.  And it occurred to me that I was living the fantasy that I've had for years, since we moved into this house, really, of occupying that space with a baby.  For so long, I've actively thought of it as The Porch of No Baby, as that's where I received far too many negative betas, had a freak-out of epic proportions in the midst of cancelling IVF #1, and got really trashed on the eve of my miscarriage with a good friend.  (Parenthetically: I miss vodka, but not the reason I used to drink vodka.)  I also camped out there during two pregnancies, doped up on prometrium and PIO.  The Porch of No Baby no longer.

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In one of the Healing Salons I visited (another room of sorts) folks were talking about how they stopped reading blogs that were all sunshine and roses and happy baby talk.  Funny...some of my favorite blogs to read right now are sunshine and roses and happy baby talk, but only because I started reading when it was storm clouds and miscarriages.  Otherwise, I think the cheeriness would irk me too.  Interesting how angst provides good blog reading.  Then again, if you look at the months in my archives with the most posts, those tended to be months of angst (March 2011 anyone?).

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Yesterday LG took a bath/shower that lasted about an hour.  We finally--after almost 7 years here--have a functioning drain in our bathtub.  Why did it take 7 years you might ask?  Basically because until this week no plumber gave me the $500 option to cut pipes with a handsaw and remove the old drum trap (on our 70 year old tub).  Instead I was given the periodic plunging option, or the ripping the kitchen apart option; the former really didn't work, and the latter was too costly to consider unless I also wanted to remodel the kitchen.  So we've taken showers but haven't had the luxury of really enjoying them.

Tonight, I think I might shave my legs for the first time since November.

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I really do believe we are affected by the spaces we inhabit, as much as we have an effect on those spaces.  The days the babysitter comes and does the laundry and the dishes and I can go to bed with things in their place, I really do relax in a different way.  It's occurred to me that maybe one of the reasons LG is dealing with insomnia right now is that her room has bad feng shui.  It's really horrifying how messy it is, and only a small bit of that occurred because the plumber needed her to empty out her closet.

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I've been thinking about whether or not we should stay in our house or move.  I love our house.  Really, the only thing I don't like about it is the lack of a bathroom on the first floor.  Otherwise, it's just a tad small, with Tiny Boy and I in a shared space.  Which really is a totally American first-world problem that I am lucky to have.  I'm starting to imagine how our family would work in a different space.  I'm not ready to make a move, but I think maybe when Tiny Boy no longer sleeps in my bed.

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One year ago I found out I was pregnant with a baby who is now a smiling, cooing, almost-rolling-over guy who adores his sister and our two cats.  I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I know from a neighbor that the former occupants of my house "couldn't have children."  I don't know any of the details, and I don't know if they ever tried treatment.  But I'd like to think that having a new baby in this house has changed it.  That some of the sorrows contained in these walls--70 years worth--have been soothed.