I'm not going to read much into this, as (per the blog) I seem to get in a mood a couple days after an IUI. All I can guess is that it's gradually lowering estrogen levels before the big upswing of progesterone supplementation. Whatever.
Still, I find myself in the crabby place. I might decide to skip my time off (other than the actual vacation) because at least when I'm working I can force myself to concentrate on other things than the state of my uterus. So far today I have checked blogs, read way too much about IVF protocols and poor responders, finished reading a novel, went on an aborted sandal-shopping mission (again) and picked up some groceries for a no-cook dinner tonight. There's plenty I could do (clean the house, other life stuff I put off) but I don't feel motivated to do much of anything. I don't even want to indulge in laziness and watch a movie or something.
I'm just not happy. And all the bravada I had about the IVF plan? Let's just say that's gone. The reality is IVF doesn't work for me--I have two bad cycles to prove it--so why exactly do I think it's going to be the magic cure this time around? I don't stim well. I'm 37 and have the ovaries of someone much older, and my head is so messed up right now that I've even wished I hadn't conceived LG because then I would have done an IVF my next cycle (at 30) and likely had embryos to freeze and then I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. Of course, I wouldn't have LG either, and I really wouldn't trade her for anything.
I did everything right. I didn't put off trying to get pregnant until after tenure because I knew I couldn't afford to. And here I am, anyway, still not pregnant, almost two years later.
I just don't know what to do. About this IVF or anything else.
Ah, I'm so sorry about the bad mood. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly us IFers are able to swing from elation to depressed in a matter of seconds. This stuff is really hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid to post on how depressed and freaked out I am today. At least, know you aren't alone.
thinking of you, InB
Thinking of you, and hating the crummy mood on your behalf. Take care of yourself, eh? Nothing about this is easy or the way it SHOULD be. But you're doing everything 'right' and I reserve the right to hope that this IUI is the one and that you're going to get great news in another couple of weeks.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I am also sad lately after my m/c. :( I guess we must struggle to be happy with the blessings life has given us, rather than be unhappy that we don't have *everything* we want.
ReplyDeleteRe: your "old" ovaries, have you looked into oriental medicine at all? It seems to help some women. Two books I've read that I think were interesting were "Inconceivable" (nod to Hera for the recommendation) and "The Infertility Cure." It may seem like hooey to many people, but it might help.
Thanks girls.
ReplyDeleteMTB, sorry to hear about your m/c. I've been doing acupuncture for almost a year and I'm actually starting to wonder if it's made things worse. At the very least, I know it hasn't helped with *fertility* issues (it's definitely helped with my moods!).