When I started this blog, back in the fall of 2008, I conceived of it as the blog of a single mother/academic trying for a second child. I never really anticipated how entrenched it (I) would become in the ALI community, as my ttc attempts took over not one semester but, ultimately, three full academic years. That is, half of my time as an assistant professor (at this particular establishment) involved me trying to get knocked up, grieving lost pregnancies, and desperately trying to find my way through the quagmire of ART. I started with unmedicated IUIs and ended up at donor egg. My story so far stretches from untenured mama of one to tenured mama of two. So here we are, wondering what's next on a journey that I desperately hope will not be so full of angst as the past three years.
I had my six-week postpartum checkup the other day, where the doctor admired her handywork and said I'll barely be able to see the scar. But I know from c-section #1 that what might not be physically visible after a while will always be with me. This has been a long, ridiculously tortured journey, pregnancy included, and I suspect the effects will be with me for some time. But the fact that it's taken me two days to put these words together--between a zillion diaper changes and nursing sessions, with a newborn strapped to my chest or gurgling in a swing--goes a long way to start undoing the damage.
Yesterday, I had LG write her "greatest hits" for 2011 on a sheet of paper, along with her resolutions. She also copied down mine, which, not surprisingly were: Tiny Boy, "promotion and ten year," and being "on leaf" (spelling courtesy of LG; her brother, thankfully, also topped her list). That is, I have pretty much everything I could ask for (well, except a book contract, and let's put that at the top of things to try to score in 2012!), and instead of living gracefully a life I didn't want to accept, this year, I think, will be about accepting that I truly have the life I want. A life full of baby smiles and night time cuddles with two kids and two cats in a bed. It's a life, I hope of peace.
Tiny Boy, however, thinks it is The Year of Milk, so with that, friends, I'll bid you all happy 2012.
Happy Year of Milk! Seriously, it's so wonderful to hear you sounding so happy, so contented, so filled up with your life. Could not be happier for you, mom o'2, 'ten-yeared' prof that you are!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year and Happy Year of the Book Launch (and milk)! I like the Greatest Hits exercise. You went through so much to get to where you are right now. Does it feel right to celebrate your tenacity and strength? (as well as settling into the blessings you have now and continuing to mourn when you need to. . .)
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me so happy, Gwinne.
ReplyDeleteHere's to the Year of Milk!