Having It All, Single Mama Style

This post is my contribution to feMOMhist's blog carnival in honor of International Women's Day.  I should say that I'm writing this in bed, in my pajamas, next to my swaddled, sleeping 4-month-old, having just eaten some oatmeal and seen my 8-year-old off to school.  It's already been a long day, and it's only 8:16.

*

I decided to become a single mother by choice at the ripe old age of 27, my last year in graduate school, on the cusp of a tenure track job.  I assumed, briefly, I'd either ask a gay male friend to be a known donor or I'd get knocked up the old fashioned way, with Dr. Boy, who was my partner at the time, even though he wasn't in a place he wanted to have kids (more than 10 years later, he's still not, so I think I made the right choice).  I say this now because I began with the assumption that "having it all" was possible, even if my version of possible was different than most folks.

Actually, in many respects I think my career path has been easier than many academic women I know because I haven't had to negotiate with a partner.  I got tenure-track job #1, started trying (IUIs, with donor sperm) the end of my first year, gave birth to LG during the middle of my third.  The next fall I was back on the market so I could find a job closer to my family.  Tenure-track job #2 moved me from a SLAC to an R1, which added additional pressures for tenure.  In some respects, my hardest years from the work-life balance standpoint were my first couple here, when LG was 1.5-3.5  (And if I remember, I'll talk some below about strategies.)

After a positive third year review, I started trying for kid #2, and, no, I don't think that's a coincidence.  While that worked with my basic life narrative (have kids 5 years apart), I doubt I would have gone ahead with it if my professional life was rocky.  For those of you who have been reading here for a while, that's where this particular narrative of Something Remarkable picks up.  (Three more years of fertility treatment; throw in a miscarriage and chemical pregnancy, a ton of IUIs, a couple IVFs, an egg donor, the loss of a twin, the birth of a boy, the granting of tenure, and here we are.)

*

Given the upheaval of the past 3+ years, I don't think I can give for you a sample schedule.  While my actual work schedule has varied very little, when you factor in the number of doctor's appointments/ultrasounds I've had (A. told me yesterday that there will come a day that I don't mark time and space according to visits to Dr. Gorgeous's office) I don't think you get a sense of what a single mama's day looks like, except under extraordinary stress.  (Note:  there are a couple sample days in the archives, will try to dig them out:  This is all I could find quickly)  And as I'm still in some weird back-to-work-but-not-quite limbo, talking about this semester probably isn't very useful either.

*

When I think about how much time has gone into the having Tiny Boy project, it's sort of astonishing I am as productive as I am.  I say that not to gloat, because I don't think I work particularly hard or I'm particularly good at what I do, compared to my colleagues.  But I did manage to publish enough to get tenure and, for the past couple years, land in the top 25% of my department in terms of merit review.  And I still watch plenty of TV, talk on the phone, blog, and generally have a life.  What I don't have is (a) regular sex, (b) conversations/arguments with a partner.

*

Despite all the nonsense about academia and motherhood being incompatible, I want to shout that it's quite possible, even (especially?) as a single mom.  There are logistical challenges:  if I want to go to a reading on campus at night, I need to hire a babysitter.  I have not been willing to do that on a regular basis, so I have also largely not taught grad courses (which are also at night, which I think is stupid, but I don't make the schedule).

Some things to do not get done.  My house is not as clean as I would like it to be.  There's a lot of bigger projects--like painting--that have been put on hold indefinitely.  I never made it to the back yard to rake in the fall, nor did I bother hiring someone else to do it, which means there's going to be a massive moldy leaf problem in a couple weeks, and I will be covered in hives.  But overall, life is good.  Life without fertility treatment?  Excellent.

*

Despite the fact that I have hated him at times over the past year (tenure drama), one of the people I most admire in my department is my chair.  He seems like a whole person to me.  He has kids (and actively parents his kids, though they are now in their late teens), he does sporty things, he reads for pleasure, he manages to run a fairly large department at a major research university.  He also sends email at the crack of dawn, so I suspect the trade-off is sleep.  (Maybe he doesn't need much sleep?  Then again, the emails have come earlier and earlier over his tenure as chair.)

*

It is now 8:50, and Tiny Boy is still asleep (yay!!!!!) so I want to wrap this up and put on clothes and make a cup of coffee.  Some of my tricks, which I will amend later, if I have time:

1. Use small pockets of time.  If I have a cup of tea in the microwave, that's when I do the dishes.  Or run downstairs to pop in a load of laundry.  I make a lot of tea on days I'm home.  I do a lot of small chores without ever feeling like I'm doing chores.
2. Know when you are most productive and use it.  When I have childcare, I can get a lot of solid work done from 8:00-11 in the morning.  If I find myself sitting at my computer and not getting anything done in the mid-afternoon, I switch gears; I go for a walk, I get groceries, etc.
3. Take advantage of age-appropriate activities for kids.  Pre-Tiny Boy, I used the hour of LG's swimming or gymnastics classes in which to grade.  
4. Use the TV when necessary.  LG does not watch a lot of TV (30 minutes per school day, max), but on weekends I am not opposed to putting in a movie and letting her watch while I grade and sit next to her, if she does not have a playdate.
5. Figure out ways to cut back on busywork without cutting back on quality work.  For example, letting students turn in 4 short papers over the course of the semester when they want to, though half before midterm means I never have to look at a stack of 50 papers that need to be graded in a week.  It also means that I am always reading a trickle of student work.  But I much prefer that, as I can't really read more than about 6 papers before my eyes start crossing.
6. Most importantly:  do not underestimate the value of reliable childcare and having a support system.  The fact that my mother lives ~4 hrs from me means that she has been willing to watch LG for a few nights while I go to conferences.  I have friends that I know I can call at 8:00 at night, even if I don't want to, to bring me ginger ale when I have a puking virus and so do my kids.

Baby still sleeping.  That's enough time blogging, y'all.  Bye now.