A Post About DE/DS One Year After the Petri Dish

Exactly a year ago, Tiny Boy was on the cusp.  A few million sperm shipped from California and an egg just removed from my donor's ovaries, along with fourteen others.  Five days later he was one of two embryos transferred to my uterus; the other was The Twin Who Wreaked All Kinds of Havoc.  I think sometimes about what would have happened, could have happened, if I'd listened to Dr. Gorgeous and just transferred one.  I might have had Tiny Boy.  Or I might have had another miscarriage.  But I suspect even Tiny Boy wouldn't be Tiny Boy without those early weeks fighting.

Although I am grateful to the two men who donated the gametes that ended up being the "other half" of my children's DNA, I don't think much about them.  I do think about the egg donor, mostly because she seems more real to me as a person; she lives in my state, I sat in the same waiting room at the RE's office (and sometimes, I imagine she was a woman I will never forget who smiled a knowing smile at me before I was called back for an ultrasound).  She underwent surgery so I could have this child.  Coming to DE was so much harder as a decision than using DS, which, honestly, I never had any qualms about.  Then again, I decided to become an SMC at 27.

Although I didn't think much of it at the time, I took a home pregnancy test on St. Patrick's Day.  And I found this onesie in my stash of stuff I bought on a hopeful day that the pregnancy might actually work out.  But when I think about how miraculous it is that egg + sperm = an embryo that happened to be put in my body, and happened to survive an Evil Life Sucking Twin and a gestational sac two weeks too small (90% loss rate be damned) and whatever fucked up placental abnormality that led to IUGR, well I think that Tiny Boy is indeed one lucky kid.  And I'm certainly a lucky mom.

It's been a year, people.  And while I'm far from over the anxiety and the anger and the grief and the fear, I am someplace very different than I was.  For Mo, for Maddy, for my other readers who are in the trenches, I so hope that you can join me over here in a land that resembles peace.

 Tiny Boy in One Lucky Kid Onesie

(and yes, he damn sure is!)