The State of My Life

Over the weekend, I reread some old journal entries from spring 2008 and spring 2007. Beyond noticing that it apparently *always* snows around April 7, I was able to gain a much needed sense of perspective on how far I’ve actually come in the past few years. Two years ago, when LG was just over three, I was a wreck as a mother. There were mitigating circumstances I can see clearly now (the forced napping at preschool created a constantly sleep deprived child and a mother who wasn’t able to get any work done at night, at a moment I was also under extreme pressures at work) but the bottom line is I couldn’t imagine having another child, much as I theoretically wanted one. Two years ago my book manuscript (#2) was very manuscript-y and requiring significant revisions, and many of the smaller pieces that I have forthcoming in the next few months were not even drafted or were in the very early stages. One year ago, having just come through a fairly nasty third year review process (the result was fine, the process frankly horrifying), I wasn’t yet feeling secure professionally, which left me feeling up in the air, still, about the big decision to try for Baby #2. Obviously, much has happened between then and now.

In professional terms, having a positive review (and a great annual letter from my chair) did much to make me feel like I was going in the right direction. Even though my CV has not changed substantially, as these things happen so incrementally, I’m able to see that, realistically, I’ve done the work that I need to do to be promoted (I need to see a few more things [ideally a book] *in print* but I really don’t need to *produce* anything new). That’s not to say that I’ll stop writing (in fact, I just figured out an article I’d like to do, based on an old conference paper) but I’m trying to make writing about desire (what do I want to work on?) instead of the tenure file (what would make me look better?), as much as that is possible at this stage of the game. I’ve been working on a series of articles I hope to see in a more mainstream (non-academic) publication because they make me feel good as a writer. New idea aside, writing traditional academic essays/books isn’t doing that for me right now (which, I suppose, is a whole other post).

Ultimately, the most important change between I’ve undergone in the past couple years is with my sense of balance. Things are far from perfect, of course, but I do feel like I’ve found a rhythm that enables me to get things done (for the most part) while taking care of myself and LG. There are days things slip through the cracks—days I go to a class less prepared than I’d like to be, or days the dishes pile up in the sink, or days I get short-tempered with LG—but I’m largely calm and in control. I’m not wasting time because I’m so anxious I literally can’t sit still long enough to read or write. I’m not losing whole nights because going to campus gives me a migraine (I still get headaches, to be sure, but the era of Chronic Daily Headache seems to have ended). This blog might not reflect that sense of balance—obsessed, as it is, with the state of my ovaries—but I suspect that has as much, if not more, to do with the form than how I’m “actually” doing on a given day. (Or maybe I’m deluding myself and this good mood is merely estrogen- induced!)

Much as I could use the financial boost of teaching summer school, I’m so glad I decided against it. There are two more full weeks of class and then “exams,” some lectures and events to attend, a handful of meetings and appointments, and then my time is mine to use as I see fit. I’ll cook. I’ll really clean the house. I’ll make up a reading list (I’ll happily take suggestions of memoirs or “literary” books by women writing in English). And I’ll write.