Negative, but trying to stay positive

This cycle is OVER. Not yet officially, as I still need to get my blood drawn and start bleeding, but if there is any lesson to be learned from the hell that was my last pregnancy, it's that I know I can trust HPT results at 12dpo.* And that space where the second line would be? Couldn't have been more empty. So I'm bummed, and there's a small part of me thinking bad thoughts about why it is that all my friends--older friends, friends with PCOS, friends who don't even want kids--are getting pregnant without much (or any) effort at all and then there's me, who has done pretty much everything right (I mean, I started trying for LG at 29!), who's ready to shell out about $12,000 to do IVF. Don't get me wrong: I'm thrilled for these friends. I just don't understand, cosmically speaking, why I need to work so fucking hard to get what I want.

This negative result sucks for so many reasons, personally and professionally. Still, though I might use this blog to vent, I am NOT a person who wallows in self-pity. This morning, I looked at that negative result, threw the stick in the trash, and climbed into bed with LG. That's pretty much my life philosophy. So here are the positives:

• I can drink and be merry this weekend.
• IVF should (please!) get me pregnant faster than picking another donor and doing another round (or two or three or six) of IUIs.
• Needing to go to IVF really does mean that I *want* this other child. Not that I've had many moments of doubt, but still. Put your money where your mouth is, right?
• Assuming IVF works (because I can't even really process it NOT working) and assuming Dr. Gorgeous' hypothetical retrieval date is right, we'd be looking at a due date end of April/beginning of May. That's pretty perfect for academic babies. It also means I should be able to teach my *fabulous* spring classes (positive space...no thoughts about bed rest and premature babies) because I was a little sad about not being able to do them otherwise.
• My mom's retiring the end of next year, which means she should be able to visit and help out more than she could have with an earlier due date.
• That due date also means that I could go to usual February conference.
• Spring babies get better (outdoor!) birthday parties.

Is there anything else? I'm working really hard to come up with these. For now, I'm going to try to work. Because I'm assuming once late July hits my brain is going to be hormonal mush.

* I will not even contemplate the possibility of ending up pregnant with a beta lower than last time.