Well, weird HPT result aside, I figured out yesterday I was definitely not pregnant. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've observed that I always feel follicular activity a couple days before my cycle is set to start. It happens around the same time that the progesterone fog wears off and the insomnia sets in. This doesn't happen on cycles when I've used luteal estrace (that's sort of the point of that protocol).
Yesterday, when LG was out with her grandmother, I let loose with the sobbing and histrionics. Today? I'm frankly nonplussed with the actual negative result. But I need to figure out what to do. Do I do an unmedicated cycle in January? Do I go ahead with this DE in March/April plan, or do I put it off while I play around with my own eggs for a while longer? Or do I have another sit-down with Dr. Gorgeous and work out a more interesting plan?
Here's what I know:
1. I am fucking DONE. My next cycle needs to work. The end. The best way to go about that would seem to be DE, combined with a lovely Lovenox/steroid cocktail.
2. I am having a really hard time grasping the fact that I will never have another chance at pregnancy on my own. I said I just did my "last" cycle, but, really, I can't let it go. I find it particularly hard to fathom making myself deliberately NOT ovulate in order to do a DE cycle.
3. These would seem to be mutually incompatible. Thus the "dithering" that my actual therapist talked about.
Here's the possibly crazy plan that I seem to be cooking up, the thing that actually allowed me to sleep last night, the first thing that's actually felt right: talking to Dr. G about doing some kind of co-cycle with a donor. Like, would it be possible to do a stimulated IUI (or possibly IVF) at the same time as doing a DE cycle. I know it's medically possible from a friend who's done something like that. I also know it will present logistical, not to mention psychological and ethical, complexities both long and short term. But, damn, it solves the problem that I'm having. I don't know that Dr. Gorgeous will go for it. And if she says no and I'm completely distraught, well, that probably means I'm not quite ready to do DE and I need to do something (IVF again?) with my own eggs. But she's always been willing to think outside the box and just maybe she'll go for it...
You know, this is the one time I've actually really wanted to talk to my therapist like now, but my appointment isn't for another two weeks. In the meantime, I think I need a phone consult with Dr. G to work out some of this before I meet with the DE coordinator.
Oh, I'm so sorry it wasn't, actually, a positive. I'll be interested to hear what Dr. Gorgeous has to say about the idea - and I'll be VERY interested to hear how it progresse, if it does. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm just catching up and was hoping your last post would be followed by better news. Damn. We've been through similar HPT mind games before - it's horrible.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're in a good place in terms of what you know. The next decision might not be clear now, but I think you're well down the road towards figuring it out. I've never heard of doing a simultaneous cycle with DE and your own eggs - kind of cool. We almost did a cycle with two different known donors (but the timing didn't work out). I find I'm in the 'just jump' camp with a lot of these questions.
I also hate when I'm ready to talk to my therapist but have no appointment (and the relative of that phenomenon, having an appointment but no inspiration to talk). I hope blog therapy helps.
I'm sorry that this cycle was not positive. You always have Plans A-Z so I am sure if you share your ideas with Dr. G, she will guide you to a plan that both of you can agree. What a wonderful RE!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the negative. What a let down.
ReplyDeleteThe double approach sounds great to me. I don't see why you couldn't get sign off on it? Go for it.