(Alliteration is about the extent of my literary capabilities this morning. It doesn't bode well for doing my real job, as opposed to blithering on here. Anyhoo...)
You know I can't use a word like hope, which I did yesterday, without things falling apart. Not surprisingly--whether it was a result of switching from Zyrtec to Claritin I can't say--I spent last night insomniated. Racing heart, spinning head, all that good stuff. I should have taken it as a sign that the receptionist at the therapist's office called me not once but twice yesterday to tell me she had a cancellation and could fit me in.
See, this is IT, people. There's a chance I'd do an unstimulated cycle in January and some kind of big thing (stimulated IUI/IVF) in March, but that's all. For all of you who have watched me waver and deliberate, let me say this loud and clear: I AM DOING DONOR EGG NO LATER THAN MAY. Time is up. And although I realize I'm the one calling the shots here, I am rational enough that I refuse to let this project drag on any longer than that. Sprogblogger said something really profound to me that I assume I'm allowed to repeat here. To paraphrase her badly: choosing to continue with my own eggs is choosing infertility.
And that's the crux of the problem. DE is a choice for me. It is not a biological necessity, and likely won't be a biological necessity for many years to come. But how many years do I want to give up to infertility? I'm already going on 3. And while I do not regret any of the choices I've made, I do think I'd be foolish to keep going much longer. If the goal is a baby. And it is. But do you know how fucking hard it is to make an active choice to take medication that will shut down my own ovulatory processes so I can (hopefully) accept the combined DNA of two strangers? Do you know how petrifying it is to contemplate spending close to $30,000 to do that and then have it (a) not work or (b) result in yet another miscarriage?
So I'm finding myself really raw and vulnerable and even well-intentioned comments--on the blog, in real life--sting right now. Because if you haven't been here--and as far as I know, only a small minority of my readers has done DE and no one in my immediate social circle--you couldn't possibly begin to get it, much less give advice. I know this is probably the pseudo-PMS hormonal crash talking, and I'll be back to something resembling my balanced self in a few days (unless I have a cyst, in which case I'll be cracking out the vodka or the valium or possibly both). But right now I'm sad in a really profound way, and I'm angry at my body for failing me (couldn't get pregnant, couldn't stay pregnant, couldn't give birth, couldn't breastfeed as long as I wanted). And I just want this whole nightmare to be over. I wish, I so wish, I could embrace DE as a choice made out of optimism and hope. But it just isn't, at least for me.
Gwinne, I am so sorry that this is all so hard for you. I know you've heard me say this before, but DE was the best thing I've ever done. Having a baby after all those years of trying healed up all the raw places in my heart.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look at Henry, I do not see my donor, I do not see a failure of any kind. I see my beautiful son who gives me such joy that I have a hard time expressing it.
The child you bring forth from your body will be Your Child. No two ways about it. It will be LG's little brother/sister, and the delight of your days.
And, it will allow you to get on with your life, and get off the monthly hell that is TTC.
Thinking of you, my dear. And wishing it weren't so hard.
Thank you. Always.
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't know the pain of having to decide on DE, and clearly this is an entirely different level of IF pain and angst, I totally get that there comes a time when you need better odds, better statistics than what you've had so far. A lot of the people who know about my IVF think I jumped into it too fast, but after all the trying I REALLY needed better odds than IUI. I totally get that you come to a point where you need to up the ante or you lose your mind.
ReplyDeleteI hate to hear you feeling so much pain. It is so horrible to be angry with your body because there isn't anything you can do about it. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I have always been a little jealous of those people that are because they can (I think) find some peace in the idea that god wanted them to experience this hell. But without the god-justification, it just completely and totally sucks.
So I'm not going to give advice b/c obviously I've not been in this spot. But I've got a question you might consider: do you think that, if you do go the DE route, your feelings about it might change upon getting a positive? Of course, who can predict, right? But I wonder if making this decision might be harder sans the feeling of achievement/success. Hopefully that makes some sort of sense. Can you visualize what a positive DE POAS might feel like? Ignore me if this is stupid.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, it's not stupid at all. I imagine I'd be the same combination of ecstatic and completely terrified of loss that I would be on any conception cycle. I imagine if DE actually works and I actually bring home a live baby, I'll feel no differently about the kid than I would if s/he were a product of my own DNA. I imagine once I'm in the trenches of actually parenting that kid, that will be even more true. I don't imagine I'll ever "regret" doing DE. But...
ReplyDeleteI don't imagine that the sense of loss I'm feeling now will ever go away. LG is almost SEVEN, and I'm still pissed off about how her birth went down. I'm still sad that I had to give up nursing. Those things don't hurt in the same raw, profound way that they did at the time, but they're pretty big bodily scars I carry.
If it works, DE will give me the child I so desperately want, but it won't take away the psychological effects of secondary infertility. As I told my therapist, I'm not going to let my feelings get in the way of my plans. But I'm grieving, in a big way.
I'm sorry this is all so awful. Sending you love.
ReplyDelete(Hugs)
Love,
Maddy
I have no frame of reference to give advice from, but I do want to say thank you. Thank you for so openly and honestly sharing your journey here. You know I'm currently pregnant with #1, but I'm already thinking about #2. And the fact that I'll probably be 41 when I try - when it might very well be DE that will be my only chance at pregnancy again.
ReplyDeleteReading what you're going through has given me a lot to think about that would have never occurred to me until I was in the moment and probably under the influence of TTC hormones. And I know that these conversations with myself are going to make it easier for me to navigate my path when it's my time to be there.
So thank you. I wish that I could give you some amazing insight that would repay you for the help you're giving me for my future problems - maybe someday!
Catching up on my blog reading.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Sprogblogger said. My sweet donor embie girl has filled a huge hole in my heart. She is mine and I am hers.
Hang in there, girl!