I'm pretty sure she had tears in her eyes as she cuddled my son and smooched him all over. And then he was wearing her perfume. Now that was a sense memory that hit me from out of nowhere.
How is it, she wanted to know. What I couldn't quite find the words to say: it is--he is--everything I wanted all those years. I will always have questions, but absolutely no regrets.
Let me say that again a bit louder: NO REGRETS.
There is no question in my mind. Choosing to do a donor egg cycle gave me joy. Gives me joy every single day. If I'd chosen to continue with my own eggs, who knows what would have happened, or when it would have happened. To put it bluntly: I chose time and the closest thing I could get to certainty over genetics.
80%, people. How many of you cycling with your own eggs have an 80% chance of conceiving in one cycle? Really, the math is simple.
Still, I will confess that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Tiny Boy's genetics. I'm not really sure why. I don't care much about passing on my genes. But there's something about looking into those blue blue eyes that says sorry, not yours. I realized the other day, looking at his profile while sleeping, that he looks pretty much exactly like the baby picture of the egg donor.
I mean, he's my son. I adore him. LG adores him. I could not love him more if he came from my own egg. And yes, I could have had a blue-eyed blond-haired son from my own egg, despite the fact that LG is my dark-haired, dark-eyed clone. Not likely, but genetically possible. My mother and brother were blond as infants, and my sister has light eyes.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd spent that $30K on IVF at CCRM. Do I regret not doing that? Let me say that clearly: hell no. I made the best decision for me and my family in choosing to do DE with Dr. Gorgeous last March. But I wonder.
I don't know why it's important to me, but I wonder.
I've been weepy again. Not deeply profoundly sad. Not depressed. Just I-got-what-I-wanted-and-now-what-do-I-do weepy. If my therapist was covered by crappy new insurance, I'd be seeing her semi-regularly. I'm really having trouble processing all this.
Did I say I'm happy? Because, really, truly, I am.
You know what she said to me? You have a gorgeous family. And really, I couldn't agree more.
Ach. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time--for whatever reason. Not that I'm a therapist, but if you ever want to talk, let me know. You have my email & I'll happily send you my phone #.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open and honest about your feelings about using DE. As I think ahead about my options, it's so helpful to read your perspective.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. Honestly, I do think DE was a great choice for me...and, at least from a success perspective, unquestionably a better choice than IVF for virtually every fertility patient over 40. But it's expensive (though not compared to doing multiple IVFs out of pocket) and emotionally complicated, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteI usually lurk, but perhaps I can offer a bit of an unsolicited opinion, hoping to make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, so I don't know why you are feeling the way you do, but I can tell you that I think I would probably be feeling the same way about Tiny Boy not being "really" mine if I were in your situation and I think I know why that would be the case for me, so perhaps sharing it can help you.
In my case, I have this propensity to focus on the negative, on every little imperfection in a situation. This has the effect of spoiling the happiness, and I know that for me this is necessary, as I can never fully give in to happiness. It's probably anxiety, but if everything is perfect, I feel uncomfortable, like something will go hopelessly wrong. As long as there is some imperfection to focus on, I am OK. This issue is dramatically exacerbated when I am less busy than usual, e.g. on vacation or taking time off to be with baby.
Here are a few examples: with 1st and 3rd baby I had an epidural. All of my babies were healthy and delivered without problems. Yet I spent countless days and months after the two deliveries, especially the 1st one, berating myself for not having done it without meds, like that was some kind of horrible failure on my part. Now, I don't really think about any of it much.
With the third baby, we gave him a name that one of our (now more-or-less estranged) friends has. It's a very nice, strong name, and it was one of the two names that my husband hasn't vetoed. After having the baby, I was so uncomfortable with the name for months because it kept reminding me of the friend, I thought I would never feel it was my baby's name (will always be the friend's), I kept obsessing about how the baby doesn't look like a [Name], how we have ruined him and should have given him the other one instead... Now, I am over it, the older kids love the name, we all love the baby, and the baby is truly a [Name], I would not have him named anything else.
I guess my advice is to just let time pass. Being in the cocoon with Tiny Boy probably amplifies these feelings to drastic proportions. Once you are back
in the swing of things, teaching, interacting with other people regularly, I think you will find that you think about these issues much less, if at all.
Good luck!
I second what Shannon said. I appreciate your honesty and to me it seems normal to imagine "what ifs" about roads not taken. I hear your immense gratitude and so much happiness, as well. Love that picture - he is extremely cute!
ReplyDeleteGMP...I'm really not sure. I don't tend to dwell on the negatives in any other area of my life. I suspect this has to do with my identity being defined as a fertility patient for so long. And I'm still infertile. Just got a lovely kid out of the deal. Part of me finds it really strange to have a period (I think that's what that was!) and not go in for monitoring, have a sit down with Dr. G, etc.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kristina!
Arent those bags a bitch to clean? I still never feel 100% confident they ARE clean, but he loves it so much I give it to him anyhow.
ReplyDeleteHe is beautiful.
I think about it too. Maybe every day, but it is changing. It is like a distant wonder. Kind of mulling over the awesomeness of it all. It is heavy but I am ok with it all too.
CCRM was a wonderful option but I would much rather have the time with my baby than the long road I would have signed up for.