It's now 9dp3dt (which I keep converting in my head to IUI-time of 12dpo). Negative test again this morning. Cycle done, moving on. I'll retest on Thurs, and then I'll call the nurses to go through the new plan, as Dr. Gorgeous is booked until next week. In the meantime, I'll let you in on it. You are welcome to talk about it, advise me about it, tell me I'm being insane for proposing it, but you are not allowed to tell me not to give up on the cycle. It's a done deal, folks. I need a plan. I think we're up to about Plan M by now. If Plan A had worked I would have given birth already.
First, a recap: I've done clomid (miscarriage), Femara (miscarriage), unmedicated cycles (many months of nothing, but ultimately LG), late cycle low-dose Repronex cycles (never again), the god-awful Menopur/Follistim combo (only in the context of IVF). Dr. Gorgeous likes what she calls a "hybrid protocol," which is 5 days of Femara followed by injectables (usually Menopur). I suspect that's what she sees in my future. Me? I want to do something completely different. I want to do the thing that I ruled out because of the insane risk of multiple births: straight Follistim or Gonal-F (both of which are currently in my refrigerator). Given my history, what's the likelihood of me conceiving at all, much less conceiving twins or triplets? All Dr. Gorgeous needs to do is figure out the dose, and monitor me early. What I see, thanks to Dr. Google and a lot of reading about IVF and egg/embryo quality, is that products designed to boost LH are not my friend. Give me straight FSH, and let's see what happens.
The other glitch here is that I'm out of IUI specimens. There are still a few more ART vials of LG's donor, and I'd like to combine 2 of them (or maybe even 3?) to get the numbers equivalent to IUI specimens. I'm not willing to sit a cycle out for non-medical reasons, but I'm not ready to do the whole donor search thing again, particularly because I think I'd switch banks. That's a conversation I'd need to have with the andrologist who, as I've said, is simply fabulous. I think this will make Dr. Gorgeous anxious. It will also cost a ton more. But for one cycle? I think it's worth trying.
I hate that I'm at this place. I hate that it's been a fucking year, ten cycles (7 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 cancelled), and (another) miscarriage since I started this process. LG wants a baby sister or brother. I want to give that to her. Stupidly, naively, I thought ttc would be easier this time around. I suppose it was, for about the first six months. Now? I really don't know how much stamina I have left. And I really hate thinking that maybe, if I'd started this process a year earlier than I did (at a moment I wasn't even close to emotionally ready) that maybe it would have worked...
First off, no second guessing allowed. It's too easy to fall into the trap of beating yourself up about things you did/ didn't do. It's over and done with, so nothing to be gained from re-hashing it now.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry to hear that this cycle didn't work... and you are sure you have waited long enough? I suspect that's a yes, so... I'm sorry.
I'm not able to be super helpful about the meds, but have you thought about having a really frank no BS conversation with Dr G about what you are thinking? It sounds like she would be open to that.
Best of luck in choosing your path forward.
Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, no one's allowed to tell me it's too early, not to give up on the cycle. :)
I know my body. I know what beta levels should look like, and even for the utterly doomed third pregnancy, I had a positive by this point. It's done. And if it's not done, well, it's not viable or, worse, ectopic. I'm not having a baby in June--on that point I'm 100% certain.
Can't get in to see Dr. Gorgeous this week, though, yes, ideally we'd talk over all this stuff. I think it might be better with the buffer of the nurses. I lay out the plan, she says yes or no, we go from there. But, really, unless she's got a solid medical reason (and I can't think of what that might be) there's no reason NOT to do what I'm suggesting, at least once...
I agree. No beating yourself up. I do think you know your body well, and I do think it's a good idea to explore these other ideas and this plan. I'm hoping Dr. G agrees with you to go ahead.
ReplyDeleteI think about that all the time - if only I had started this process a year (or in my case, 5 years) earlier. But then I remind myself, no point on dwelling on what can't be changed and full steam ahead!
ReplyDeleteI think your plan sounds like a very good one and I am all about early monitoring! For me, it might have been the difference between only one mature follicle and two or three mature follicles last cycle.
Hoping so much you can give LG a sibling very soon.
Sorry, Gwinne -- I didn't mean to second guess you at all. I should have re-read more carefully, since it came off bossy/ know--it-all-y, since I freely admit to knowing very little. Sorry...
ReplyDeleteIrrational...no need to apologize. I appreciate the comment. And I appreciate that there are so many people out there, like you, who care enough about me that you want this cycle to have a happy ending. It's just not going to happen this time, not for me, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to be hopeful for this cycle, that maybe the HPTs are just screwy... All I've got is hope right now.
ReplyDeleteI use Gonal-F. It requires a lot of monitoring to keep follicle counts low for IUI. (Our RE wont trigger more than 3 and she prefers no more than 2). But, in my experience, it works like a charm. Have you discussed a Gonal-F cycle with Dr Gorgeous or is she worried about multiples?
I think I'm more worried about multiples than Dr. Gorgeous, actually. I think we're in agreement that 2-3 follicles is ideal. I'm guessing I only need about 75-100IU/day to make that happen.
ReplyDelete