I mean, I'm not completely morose or anything but I've certainly lost that graceful zen thing I had going. I'm sure it's partly the cycle and partly the realization that the summer is ending all too quickly. I went into the summer dreading it, and what I found was that I really enjoyed the pace. I was productive. I got my tenure shit turned in. I enjoyed my kid. I read a lot. I watched a fair amount of TV. I recovered, more or less, from the year. And now it's starting up again in three weeks. Between now and then, I have to finish up one syllabus (to be fair, it's at about 80%) and write another one, gather my teaching materials together and finalize my teaching philosophy statement (due Sept 1, for tenure stuff), and scan/copy the secondary sources for one class (which means I need to pick out the secondary sources first).
That would be plenty without the IVF/IUI drama and the New Kitten drama (A. says I am not allowed to call him IVF Kitten but she did say that the name of the town where Dr. Gorgeous's office is located would make a good name, and I concur; unfortunately, LG does not). New Kitten is not healthy, as it turns out, and I've spent way too much time today feeding him baby food with a 3 cc syringe (sometimes being a fertility drug whore is useful, eh?) in the hopes that we can keep him out of the kitty hospital. I think he will be headed there tomorrow, as he really hasn't eaten much of anything since Saturday and he is a 3 lb cat (the vet said to give him another 24 hrs to get the antibiotics into his system). It's stressing me out.
And then at some point today I realized that I will in all likelihood go into yet another school year not pregnant. I really thought that DHEA + No Menopur would do the trick, but this cycle had such a rocky start. So here I am, headed back for monitoring tomorrow and assuming that the cycle will get converted to IUI with 3 follicles at best. Trying to figure out if it's worth trying to see Dr. G in the next two weeks to map out my plan for the fall, which is supposedly a natural IUI only plan, but I find myself thinking what if I take just a little Femara, or 37IU Follistim or... I need to have the plan in place before I need the plan. I know my next big step needs to be donor egg but I'm just not ready to do it. I can't fathom doing it, and I know what I'm hung up on is not genetics (though that's part of it) but accepting my body's failure to produce viable eggs. And the reality that I've been doing treatment for TWO FUCKING YEARS--with nothing to show for it but an MTHFR diagnosis, a micropolyposis diagnosis, one miscarriage, and one possible chemical pregnancy--is getting to me. I'm at the point--the crazy, crazy, point--when I'd like to be pregnant so much I'd prefer yet another miscarriage to this emptiness.
See, I told you I lost the zen.
Argh. Hope the zen finds its way back to you, and soon.
ReplyDeleteAlso hope kitty can stay out of the feline hospital. If it's any consolation, my very BEST cats were always ones who had something really dire wrong with them at the time I adopted them. I think they remember that you're the one who made them feel better, eventually. IVF Kitty is likely going to be a fantastic cat, eventually.
Thinking of you.
Maybe, just maybe caring for IVF kitty will count for something on the karma scale and reward you with a pregnancy even though this cycle feels like it's rocky. You've been through a really, really hard two years. But it just doesn't feel like you should give up on your own eggs just yet. Maybe natural IUI a cycle or two would be good, let your body clear itself of all the fertility drugs. But I still think that there is a good chance you will get pregnant from this cycle. The only thing I've learned from this IF process is that the timing on when someone gets pregnant doesn't seem to have any correlation with having a perfect cycle. For what that's worth.
ReplyDeletebest of luck with IVF kitty today!