A Small Dose of Magical Thinking

I just read Joan Didion's Year of Magical Thinking, which has been on my list for quite a while. As a piece of literary nonfiction, particularly by Didion, whom I generally adore, I found it rather disappointing. But as a discussion of grief, it seemed to me exactly right. As my therapist has observed, I'm a successful, highly functional adult; I've been able to maintain that status through all of this largely by shelving my grief. It comes, though, as Didion says, in waves, at unexpected times, and then I can't control it. So here we are.

This afternoon I've got an IUI scheduled back-to-back with a consult with Dr. Gorgeous for the second half of the donor egg conversation. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to say--that's the upside of the 50 minute drive there--other than it's going to involve something along the lines of no steroids, no DE.

For the most part, I haven't been thinking about DE, as I've been caught up in this current cycle. The therapist asked me the other day what I was afraid of. It goes something like this: I'm afraid I will spend $25,000+ for it to (a) not work or (b) result in another miscarriage which only will confirm (c) that I didn't need donor eggs in the first place but rather more aggressive immune treatment (or something). Am I sad that I'll lose a genetic connection to this hypothetical child? Sure, but that's not a reason not to try. Am I finding it hard to give up on my body? Yes, but logically I know it's the thing to do, and I've already put in what seems like more than enough time pursuing pregnancy on my own. (This is, I think, cycle #20. And while I know many couples who spend years trying to conceive, I don't know anyone, online or off, who has done 20 [mostly medicated] cycles at an RE's office in a two year window. That's a lot of time. A lot of money. A lot of emotional energy. And A LOT of hormonal wackiness.)

Still, right now I am absolutely paralyzed by fear. See, it's relatively easy for me to deal with the negative betas when we're looking at success rates of, at best, 15% per cycle and the cost (emotional, financial) of trying is relatively low. And while I haven't been prioritizing money in this equation, thinking about dumping that kind of money in a project that, let's be honest, I'm sure is doomed to fail seems just fucking stupid. That's the thing. And that's why I need steroids and whatever else Dr. G has in her arsenal that she hasn't pulled out yet. Because, really, this isn't about trusting Dr. Gorgeous or Dr. Slideshow. It's about not trusting my body. And it's a huge leap of faith to put someone else's embryos in my body and hope that they stick around for 9 months.

But if that's why I don't want to DE--sheer terror of failure--I just need to dive in. Spending another $10,000 on an IVF--which offers, at best, a 25% success rate [Dr. Slideshow suggested as low as 5%, and his clinic is well above the national average] to have "closure" with my body before then is just DUMB. It's just wasting money and delaying the inevitable.

This is a pretty good cycle to end on, I think. 3 mature follicles and an E2 level of 1170. That's better than the last aborted IVF (3-4 follicles and E2 of ~900). And if I can't get pregnant with that, chances are, it's just not going to happen for me. If I were coupled, I'd probably keep trying on my own for longer, because the cost (and I don't just mean financial) is minimal. But how many times can you drive to a clinic and throw some donor sp*rm up your uterus and hope that it works, even though the odds say it won't?

I told the therapist I don't know that I'm ready to do DE. But I am ready not to be doing what I'm doing. And that seems like a good place to start.

In the meantime, I am going to go bake some cookies to give to the nurses. Because a little magical thinking never hurt anyone. And, really, I do get pregnant when I give nurses gifts. Go figure.