I've been emailing back and forth with the donor coordinator to set up an initial consult, which appears to be the first week in January. She has some donors, she said, who meet my minumum criteria (proven cycle, willingness to cycle again soon, education level/intelligence markers). And when, she asked, might I want to proceed?
Here's the problem. This all feels like doing a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. One decision affects every other decision. March, I thought, was the earliest possible time I'd be able to cycle, and therefore when I wanted to try to cycle. Dr. Gorgeous told me that April is probably more realistic (she says it takes 2 months from matching with a donor). I'm okay with that. But if I know that April is the earliest I can cycle, then do I want to do an unmedicated cycle in January? And if I do the unmedicated cycle in January (with a beta at the very end of the month) would that really mean I wouldn't be able to cycle until May? The bottom line is I don't want to sit around letting my eggs expire. Sitting out cycles is torture. I only got through Thanksgiving because Dr. Gorgeous put me on the pill, so I didn't actually "miss" a cycle, I just delayed it by 2.5 weeks. But I also don't want to let a good donor slip by because I'm doing a cycle that probably won't work, nor do I want to put thousands of dollars down if there's a chance I'd end up with a positive pregnancy test the next week.
I think probably what I need to do is talk to Dr. Gorgeous right around New Year's, after my beta but before I meet with the coordinator, so I have a better sense of what is even possible from a medical standpoint.
I thought the way to handle this was by setting up the consult and then putting DE mentally on hold--I mean, I'm actually only 5dpo on a cycle my doctor has, and I quote, "a good feeling about"--but it appears what I need to do is jump wholeheartedly into the DE plan, look at the donor profiles she sends me, and do everything I need to do to set that plan in motion, so when it comes to my beta next week I'm not floundering. I could wait for months for the perfect donor, but the very fact that I'm pursuing DE says I'm done. Because if her appearance matters, if her personality matters, if anything other than her family health history and egg production matters, then I'm saying that genes are important, and I believe that nature trumps nurture. And if that's the case--if I really do believe that this donor should be my clone--then I shouldn't be doing it at all. I should just keep rolling the dice with my own eggs. Because if I want to waste 6 months, damn, at least I should have that.
(I'm willing to concede that none of this probably makes any sense. Obviously I'm not entirely comfortable with this decision. And I need to figure out what is actually important to me in an egg donor, which seems very different than what is important in a sprm donor. Egg donor readers, please tell me if I'm being completely nuts here!)
You already know my feelings on DE, so I won't try to preach my case.
ReplyDeleteI think you're absolutely onto something with your realization that if you're looking for a clone, maybe rolling the dice with your own eggs actually IS a better option for you.
I think it must be harder for you, already having that genetic link to LG, to imagine what it would be like to bear a child with no shared DNA.
But again, (because I can't help but spread the DE joy as best I can) every child is different, even every child with the same genetic heritage, and DNA is no guarantee of anything, just like environment is no guarantee of anything.
I think this whole reproduction thing is scarier than most parents ever realize, because for those for whom it comes easily, these things never really have to be considered and decided on - it can be paralyzing, wanting the best for some theoretical child, and trying to determine what 'the best' is. You start to feel responsible for everything - like a donor with less than perfect vision should be ruled out, because, hey, it's a variable you can CONTROL, and why put your theoretical child through the agony of bifocals when they're middle aged?!?
Whatever you decide, I'm over here wishing you the best & most peaceful of holidays, and I'm hoping that 2011 is so much less sucky than 2010 that this last year is pretty much blocked out of your memory (or whatever memory you have left after this next, successful, easy pregnancy is done with you!) Seriously, take care, & holler if you need an ear.
Thanks! In lieu of emailing, I think I'll shanghai the comments to keep the discussion going here.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad you agree with my assessment. And for the record, I really don't think genes matter all that much (other than health things, anyway); it's just incredibly hard to imagine what this hypothetical child might be...given that I'm also rolling the dice with a new sprm donor. The difficulty that I'm having, yes, has to do with LG. Because with that particular genetic roll of the dice...I ended up with my clone. Seriously, the only physical characteristic she seems to have gotten from the donor is her feet, which are so much lovelier than mine; and her personality, too, is largely mine (after she was conceived, I ended up getting the Myers-Briggs inventory on the donor, and we're very similar there). It's hard for me to imagine parenting a child who isn't like me, though I recognize that very well might happen even if I continued with my own DNA.
Anyway....I have no doubt that if it works I'll be completely thrilled and probably won't think about it much on a daily basis, just as I only think about LG's donor when she brings it up (like last year when she was on her whole "Irish seeds" kick) but, yeah, the moment of decision is a paralyzing one, which is why I just want to make it quickly, without a lot of choice.
Hi Gwinne, Thanks for your suggestions.. You're like a Big Sister..always looking out for me.
ReplyDeleteI will definitely get a second opinion. I have several RE friends.. and one is the Director of the RE Dept at a local academic center. I am comfortable with my RE but I just don't want to miss anything.
I don't want to travel to Denver and most of my RE friends also don't feel that I need to do it as my case is not complicated. They think it's the age-factor but I still make eggs which is a good thing.
Thanks again for everything!!!
Yeek. I just don't know. The allure of One More Time With My Eggs is great. I would be fearful I wouldn't know when to really call it. When is the last time really the end?
ReplyDeleteOur choice was made based on money. Harsh reality. One more shot w my eggs would break us since we would have to go to CCRM.
I have a post where I wrestled the same process of donor selection. In the end I wanted someone proven and smart too. The rest fell by the wayside.
The randomness of it all is extremely difficult to digest. My donor found me in the end, in a manner of speaking.