So I met with that infertility counselor today. And I liked her. And I think if I choose to have a therapist, she'd be a good one. But that's the thing...I don't know if I want to be in therapy. For IF issues or anything else.
When I asked Dr. Gorgeous for a referral, I was in the bad place. You know the one: it's when I get all angsty and go back-and-forth about what to do and can't figure anything out. I cry and fret and spew words here and more on the phone (usually to A, sometimes to M and L). Of course today I wasn't in the bad place. Frankly I haven't been in the bad place in more than a month, despite negative pregnancy tests and donor egg consults and all that stuff. I'm in a decision-making place, to be sure, but emotionally I've been okay.
That was not the version of me that came out in therapy. I was a weepy, gooey mess, with very little prodding. Now, I get that that probably means I should be in therapy, that it will help me deal with all this emotional stuff. But I don't like the fact that I went into the session calm, focused, on top of things, and came out stressed, weepy, and headachey. I do not want to schedule appointments to feel like that. When I feel like that already, then I'd want to talk. But clearly therapy doesn't work on an on-call only basis. I'm sure I know enough pop psychology to label this way of dealing with things repression, but let's be honest, that method has kept me a functioning human through all of this. I don't need angst where there isn't any. And I don't like losing work time--when I'm functional--because I'm talking and making myself less functional. Left to my own devices, I'm more likely than not to get angsty at night. So maybe what I need to do is figure out a strategy to deal with it in the moment and not save it up for some arbitrarily scheduled appointment.
I'm not angsty anymore. And I'm not crying. And I'm not even remotely thinking about peeing on a stick (even after looking at Mo's new photo!). But the Headache? Urgh.
ok... piping in as a therapist. my two cents (feel free to completely disregard): it's totally common to feel that coming in and talking stirs everything up and leaves you feel a bit more stressed, weepy, etc. within reason, it's not a bad thing at all. And hopefully, if you decided to stay in therapy for a bit, one of the goals would be to feel some of these feelings in the session with the person you're seeing and discuss ways of coping/strategies, that then you could use when you're alone, angsty at night. it's not so much that you're saving up angst and then spewing it at the session, it's more that it's in there, and gets stirred up when you have the oppty/space to talk/feel about it. You know yourself and must trust your own instincts, but in most cases, I'd say although people fear bringing up upsetting things, doing so does not make them LESS functional. It may make them temporarily more distressed. but more distress is not a bad thing. it's just normal, given everything that's going on.
ReplyDeleteanyway, i may not be making a whole lot of sense (it's 430 AM here). trust your gut, do what you need/want to do, but try not to fear the feelings. there is nothing dangerous in wading in to them for a while in a clinical setting if that might help. and at the same time it's perfectly ok if therapy doesn't feel like the right thing, or this doesn't feel like the right time.
good luck figuring it out. if you wanted to chat off blog - feel free to email.
glad i didn't bring you over to the dark side with the pee sticks : )
mo
Thanks, Mo. That all makes sense. I'm still not sure I want to create that space to feel those things at a pre-appointed time--it's not like I don't already indulge moments of complete despair, but I've spent so much of the past few years trying to cultivate CALM and balance that this process feels very counter-intuitive. That is, I don't mind distress when it's a "natural" result of where I'm at. But I'm not sure I want to put myself in positions that create it. Thanks for helping me see the other side
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