I've made many declarations over the course of the past two years. This is the last time I'm doing Clomid. This is my last cycle with Dr. Evil. The last attempt with LG's donor. I could go on. And I find myself here, at the last of the lasts. The last cycle with my own eggs.
If it doesn't work, will I be okay with it being "the last" to move on to DE, or will I defer that plan and keep going? At what point is the last really the last? What will it take to get me there? Dr. Gorgeous asked me the other day if I wanted her to just tell me what to do. I said no. But I think I know what she'd say.
I know I'm fortunate that I'm in a financial position that I can even consider DE. I know that I'll love any child conceived via DE like she were my own. But today, right now, less than a month away from my last IUI...I'm just sad. And angry beyond words that I even need to consider DE as an option. And more afraid than I can say that when I do it, it won't work. And then what?
Sad and angry. Yep. Totally understandable. You're allowed. Because this all just sucks beyond words. I hate the plan B and C and D of it all.
ReplyDeleteOf course, you can reserve the right to make whatever cycle you like the "last one"...sometimes thinking just one more is the only way to get through the next one. Hopefully there won't need to be an after that, but if there is, you can decide to have one more, or not and move on to DE. And then if DE doesn't work (I must point out that there are a lot of steps and ifs between now and then, but let's just go there for a second), you will know what you need or want to do next. You will know. And we will be here supporting you.
Love,
Maddy
Thanks, Maddy. Doesn't seem like so many steps: an IUI and then I do or don't commit to DE. And really, I've already committed to DE--just have to decide here or there and when, which is largely bound up in here or there. I "know" that DE is the right thing to do, if the goal here is to have a baby. I also know that I don't want to do it. But as I told the therapist, I'll do it anyway and deal with the aftermath later...
ReplyDeleteBy many steps and ifs between now and the DE not working, I meant:
ReplyDeleteStep: IUI next month
If: that IUI doesn't work
If: you decide to pursue DE at that point or if you defer that plan and keep going with another IUI or IVF with your own eggs (in your e-mail you didn't seem sure, but in your comment you seem more sure that is the plan)
Step: Choose to do DE with either Dr. Gorgeous or Dr. Sideshow
Step: Choose egg donor
Step: do DE cycle
If: DE cycle doesn't work
I've read your next post and I think your epiphany is great - you're so right...not everything needs to be decided all at once.
Thinking of you.
Love,
Maddy
Hey, Maddy. You're right...there are many small steps before I get to DE failure but really this feels like the end of the road to me. Like, there's nothing big left to try, no more money left to try it, no more time, etc...
ReplyDeleteI found out I was pregnant with LG the day after my IVF consult. I thought of it like my "get out of IVF free" card. I'm waiting for that to happen again....but I don't think it will.