Plans and Paralysis

I spent too many hours yesterday tinkering with possible book lists for my Odious Spring Class. See, when I was assigned this class (a year ago) I was operating under the assumption that I'd probably be on maternity leave and probably wouldn't have to teach it. I must have been having a particularly bad day when I submitted a course description because no one in their right mind would try to teach what I pitched to undergraduates. Realizing now that there's no way in hell I want to teach that version of Odious Class but there is in fact a way to make it not odious at all but a good deal of fun (why I didn't see this a year ago is beyond me, let's chalk it up to Hormone Head), I emailed the program chair to ask if it's possible for me to change it. He said yes.

Now I have the possibility of reconceiving this class any way I want. And I'm paralyzed. I have multiple book lists, all equally interesting, all about the same level of work for me (mostly texts I know with a couple new ones sprinkled in). So which to do? Which to do? Which to do? What I need to do is set a deadline to submit my book lists (soon, very soon) and just fucking do it and live with whatever choice I've made. Which, let's face it, has always been okay, in the big scheme of things.

It occurred to me that his compulsive re-planning is identical to the endless mind spinning I am doing about ttc. IVF or IUI? IVF with Dr. Gorgeous or Dr. Slideshow? DE here or there? DE sooner or later? This is your reproductive journey, Dr. Gorgeous has said, there is no right or wrong choice.

So why do I feel like there is? And why do I feel like everything in my life is bound up in this decision?

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I see Dr. Gorgeous on Tuesday. And I want to have a legitimate conversation about how she does donor egg so I can make an educated choice (I know stats matter, but I think the intangibles, like cycling at home, matter too). And I do want to ask about the IVF vs IUI question, though I'm leaning very heavily to doing a hopped up medicated IUI (either hybrid or Follitim alone) in December. See, if she puts me on the pill for ~7 days, not only will we solve the Thanksgiving problem, but we'll also solve the cyst at the beginning of a cycle problem. And I could do an IUI the last week of the semester, which is really good timing as far as those things go. And then, well, then I think I'm out until spring, unless it seems I can swing donor egg sooner.

Decisions are too hard, people. Feel free to weigh in.