The Thing I'm Not Thinking About

This one's for Rebecca, who's commented on appreciating my honesty. This is honest as they come. I'm not sure I should keep the comments feature on. Probably will. But I'm saying this now: this is NOT A FORUM for debating issues. This is my blog.

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So Dr. G is supposed to call me tomorrow. Which strikes me as a good opportunity to discuss the thing I'm not thinking about. Three guesses and the first two don't count.

Twins. Selective reduction. Here's what I told my mom when she asked what I'd do if I had twins: when you're in the place that I am, you don't assume you'll have twins, you assume you won't get pregnant at all.

When I went to AFC of Chicago for a consult, the biggest turn-off, as I've said, is he pretty much mandates that single women undergo eSETs. (Arrogant ass.) When I mentioned that to Dr. G, her comment was you're a smart woman. you want to transfer two, we'll transfer two.

What I didn't tell my RE, whom I assume is a feminist and pro-choice, but also a mother of four, is that I'm not opposed to selective reduction.

I also didn't ask her if that's actually a possibility (as in, she would be willing to do it).

And I'm not sure I could do it if push comes to shove.

I don't want twins. Part of me is afraid that I'm letting short term anxiety dictate a lifelong decision. But from where I sit, the absolute worst things I can imagine are:

1. This doesn't work.
2. I get pregnant with twins and need to raise twins.
3. I get pregnant with twins and one or both is premature and/or born with a significant disability.
4. I do a selective reduction and miscarry both.

All those scenarios suck beyond words. But it seems to me, more often than not, that I have to give this cycle the best chance of working and deal with the consequences, whatever those might be, later. And I don't know that I really want to have this conversation before those eggs are even fertilized. Like I said, I have to assume this is going to fail, even if we transfer two.

My donor has done four cycles. The first either didn't make it to transfer or didn't work (I don't remember, but the coordinator told me that the clinic she went to has an abysmal success rate, and most of the eggs were immature). The second two involved day 3 transfers of 2, resulting in singletons; Dr. G said the day 3s were a reflection of the clinic, not the quality. Her fourth, this past fall, also resulted in singleton pregnancy following day 5 eSET. Although I only know one of the clinics she went to (most recent), Dr. G's statistics are, I think, the highest in the state. 70-75% LBR, depending on what day you talk to her.

I have a history of recurrent pregnancy loss. MTHFR. APA. Lining abnormalities. I'm going into this with steroids, Lovenox, baby aspirin, and Folgard. I'll say it again: why would I assume this is actually going to work?

I really don't want to think about this stuff.