4w0d

I've been alternating cursing and praising myself for asking for an early beta. See, if I hadn't gone in at 6dp and just had yesterday's, well, I'd think everything was a-ok. (Which is probably why Dr. Gorgeous said, before she got annoyingly zen on me, this could still be a strong pregnancy. Or maybe she said it IS a strong pregnancy. Kind of hard to pay attention to verb tense when all you're hearing is it didn't double.) Of course, if this does end in yet another early loss, I'm glad there's a record and not just me and a questionable pee stick.

With my first pregnancy, I was blissed out, totally in denial, at 4w0d. I'd gotten a positive home pregnancy test two days earlier and, although I was spotting, was too naive to know how foreboding that would be. My first beta came back around 80, and the nurse framed that as a solid place to start, so why doubt that. I woke up the next morning bleeding so heavily it was literally spilling onto the bathroom tile. The possible loss of a twin, my RE said. One day of plateaued beta followed by normal rise. Never saw a fetal pole or a heartbeat for what remained, though my body refused to let go. She finally cut it out of me at nearly 12 weeks.

So by the time 4w0d rolled around for LG, even though my beta was fantastic, I didn't trust it. Let's be frank: even though I was over-the-moon thrilled, I didn't trust it until I was holding LG in my arms. And then I was sure she'd die of SIDS. And even now if she sleeps late, I go check to make sure that she's still breathing.

At 4w0d with pregnancy #3, I was caught between the hope of a more-than-doubling number and the reality that it was still about 1/4 of what it should have been. I knew it would end badly. I was still crushed.

And here we are again. 4w0d. With a pregnancy that could go any which way. And let me say for the record, the fact that this is a DE/DS baby makes no fucking bit of difference. If this doesn't work, I will be devastated in a way I don't think I've yet imagined. What I'd imagined as so likely an outcome for this cycle was straight failure. Not this. Not this again.

If I weren't me, I'd be reveling in every little symptom. Because I'm pregnant. Because if this works this will be the last pregnancy of my life. But if it doesn't, all this, everything I'm putting my body through, it's just torture.

I probably don't need to say it.

I'm terrified.